July 2004 Archives

The show closed last Sunday, the 25th. A friend, Walter, wrote me, and he asked me how it all went. What follows sums up my first-time experience of preparing a role, being on stage, and handling it all . . .

Dear Walter -- The production went well, I thought. As for feedback: the director, at the cast party, told me he thought I did an excellent job (this was after several beers, but I think he was very sincere). Second, I always used the audience's (sensed) reaction, and there I think I was batting about 40%, i.e., I was reasonably pleased with about 3-4 performances, all the 2nd week. However, one performance, I *think*, went quite well: during the 5th show (the start of the 2nd week), my first scene is essentially a long monologue, and it's the first scene after the intermission. I finally started picking up my cues (I now know what that Lynnea meant when she always told you guys to do that) -- it's nothing you can really make happen: the lines at some point just have to become automatic, and when they did, I found I could listen to my partner, "think" as the character, and pay more attention to what was happening in the moment. When the scene ended, the audience clapped, which took me by surprise as I didn't know anyone in the audience, and I had to carry that scene on my own, essentially telling a 10 min story.

All this was quite gratifying because I can't think of too many personal projects where I put in more time and effort over a comparable period of time, and it was a fascinating, frustrating process, especially that first scene. At first, rehearsing/working was fun, but from the middle until after the show opened, I found myself having to really bare down -- sometimes it all felt more 'threatening' than 'challenging' (i.e., a part of me really feared inviting people, but I made myself do it), but no matter how frustrated/scared I got, I resolved not to give up, and everyday I worked, identifying trouble spots, re-thinking my way through sections, carefully re-reading the lines looking for cues, coming up with possible solutions, letting myself be as imaginative as possible, and simply being willing to throw anything away that wasn't working or I didn't like, and I rehearsed that first scene, almost every day, all the way though the run. And -- I still can't quite believe it -- it paid off!

- Cheers,
          Christopher

The pre-show @ home rehearsal went so well that I prayed to a God I don't believe in that if I could bring it all to performance, he/she could take my life tomorrow . . . and I meant every word.

. . . OK . . . it looks like I can be damn serious about this . . .

Performance Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

The performance tonight went very well (in fact, the audience applauded after Shrdlu's 1st scene). An excellent night (according my standards of bringing Shrdlu into the Universe to the best of my ability).

Pre-performance procedure: rehearse the beats explicitly @ home before the show. Mentally rehearse before I go on -- stay quiet, focused, apart (if need be) from the other actors. Do this before every performance to maximize the chances of doing my best.

Performance Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Tonight, before going on, I was very conscious/worried/pre-occupied that someone I know would be in the audience -- turned out to be my friend Gabe. My concentration was not there, I was pre-occupied before going on -- I let it affect my performance . . . interesting . . . it took me by surprise: I thought I would be nervous if anyone I knew showed up, but I was surprised by how nervous I was, and I couldn't quite get on top of it.

Solution: I didn't look out into the pre-show audience to "confirm" my fear that someone I know was actually out there, and this turned out -- I believe -- to make things worse. Next time, if I'm so worried that I'm pre-occupied -- just look. I broke one the first laws of how to handle fear: face what you fear (re-read Guskin's How To Stop Acting, p. 87, how to handle fear).

Performance Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles: The problem of performance.

The problem of performance is how to bring what works, what's great in rehearsal, to performance.

My solution was to just "let go" and not try to do anything (see Ed Hooks, The Actor's Field Guide p.67-70). This was helpful (and it's definitely a skill I can acquire through practice) for the main reason that consciously trying to do something that I did in rehearsal, or something that I "think" I the actor "should" do on stage, takes me out of the moment, the 'moment' of a character in pursuit of their objective.

One thing that might help: Dr. David Roland's The Confident Performer, p. 41 chapter 5, talks about mental rehearsal. Each night before bed, simply mentally rehearse what worked in rehearsal that day, e.g., my objectives, specific images/thoughts that I'll "bring up" at particular points in the text, specific movements/physicality that I've worked out. I can't mentally rehearse specific magic 'moments' that happened, but I can mentally rehearse those objective physical specific components of rehearsal that has allowed 'magic' moments to happen. Acting has a hell of lot in common with sports -- there's a big physical component to it.

Shrdlu

. . . some post-(first week) performance thoughts:

One big mistake I feel I've avoid is playing against what Shrdlu literally say. He says he loved his mother and believed in what she was trying to accomplish, i.e., turning him into a man of God -- he 'failed,' of course (running away to the sea), he was 'weak,' of course, but he never rejected her teachings or hated her. Of course it's clear that "underneath" a part of him hated what she was doing to him -- but this, in real life, is a body-based reaction: In 'real life,' people internalize a set of values and goals that are not objectively in their best interests, but they don't "know" that. The "body" knows, some deep center that's affected by our cognitive/conscious choices "knows," but that part of ourselves is not part of the cognitive-conscious part that's internalized/rationalized a particular set of values.

The mistake would be to play him with venom dripping off each word in his first scene, trying to 'emotionally' communicate to the audience "why" he killed her (i.e., "she smothered me, and I hated her"). All that's obvious -- one can just read the play, the dialog, and know that's what happened. The point, what Shrdlu's about, is that he never consciously knows why: we can reasonably infer that he feels frustrated, feels like a failure -- because from his perspective, he is a failure. He has no real understanding of his situation, so he can't feel -- and he certainly can't show a feeling -- that suggests he really does "understand" what his mother was doing to him. The wrong choice -- strong, but wrong -- would be for me to take how Christopher would feel, how most people in the audience would feel in Shrdlu's situation, than then infuse Shrdlu's words with that experience: that would be me (my conscious wants and goals) -- not Shrdlu.

What does Shrdlu want -- always the question. He does NOT want to rebel, crush and kill his mother -- he was, and still is, trying to be" good," trying to convince Zero that it wasn't his mother's "fault" that Shrdlu killed her (i.e., 'she was a saint, a saint I tell you), convincing Zero that the problem lies within him (i.e., Zero -- 'I never heard of a guy killing his mother before. Why did you do it?' Shrdlu -- 'Because I have a sinful heart. There's no other reason.'). Shrdlu knows exactly how he feels, and it's the opposite of our inference of how he must be really feeling (rage, hate).

Shrdlu is a great character for a first time actor -- because you really do have to apply and discover the art & craft of acting to do this guy justice.

Performance Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

If I get stuck, if it all starts to feel old, re-visit the text for any words I've drifted into adding or dropping. Also, pay attention to all punctuation, commas, periods, etc, as they suggest internal rhythm and pace. All this should help to freshen things up and help me work through any roadblocks.

Shrdlu

Opening week performance grade: C+ to B.

Sunday sucked, sssssssssssucked!!!!, but that was because I changed what I was trying to tell Zero (i.e., that I loved my mother), and it flattened the entire story except the very last part ("I cut my mother's throat"). That worked out great (i.e., it got an audience reaction). This is how to do that critical section.

The "trick" to Shrdlu is specifics and then full on BIG love starting at the bottom of p. 39 (after Zero asks for a Camel). At the climax of his story, BIG SIMLE, and keep staring at the same point, the "locket of love", the vision of love, and from "Well, I raised my knife . . ." be absolutely still.

Performance Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Took Ed Hook's advice (The Actor's Field Guide), Playing The Scene, p. 57, and it worked! Just let go (& gently remind myself about what I want) -- also, avoid self-monitoring (p.98).

In performance -- let go and go with the moment. It's perfectly fine if tonight is not as good as last night, or if it's better.

Rule: After each performance, after I've looked at what worked and what didn't, come up with a set of possible solutions to problems, come up with a plan of action for the next performance, and then FORGET last night -- do not allow myself to thing about or remember it.

Shrdlu

What does Shrdlu want?

Confess -- make Zero see I'm a sinner, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it (it's just a fact, like the fact that I have 2 ears), and that I'm perfectly sane, not crazy. I watched the confession of the innocent man locked up with Mr. Tibbs in the early part of the movie. The innocent man is not just telling the literal events of what happened (e.g., "I just picked it (the wallet) up from the man after I found him dead) -- he's telling Mr. Tibbs, making Mr. Tibbs understand that he's innocent and how nothing goes right for him . . . nothing goes right for me . . . that 's the heart of it for him . . . find out, in a single phase I can emotionally understand what's the heart of it for Shrdlu.

Also from the Field Guide -- Playing Crazy (p. 43) -- Tim Lewis's advice: playing against type: try to act perfect sane, calm, when I say I cut my mother's throat.

Also, "Dr. Ameranth told me what what in store for me:" Shrdlu is ready for it, unflinching. Me -- think of something "hot" that I want.

Performance Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

(Even though the performance has started, I'm going to rehearse each day and take risks at night, setting specific performance goals).

Last night was really a full dress-tech rehearsal, and . . . not too bad minus the usual tech and line glitches.

Tim Lewis suggested "playing against type," that I not be so emotional, and I agree because I find myself pushing for something that isn't there.

Strategy:

Again, daily -- explore and work my beats and specifics. Today, in the loft, I stopped pushing for emotion while still pursing my objectives and strengthening and/or finding better specifics.

Tonight's performance goals:

1. Do NOT push for emotion.

2. Pursue my objectives.

3. Use my specifics.

4. Try the new 'I cut my mother's throat' section.

Rehearsal @ Impact

Shrdlu

Don't Panic!!

Another rough night -- not tech (no tech guy tonight), and not dress, yet . . . but awful: missed cues, low energy.

Troubles:

1. Last night I was "off" compared to Sunday's run-through which was quite good. Ok -- no big deal.

2. But tonight, slow to pick up on cues (again) and this lead to Ron interjecting "pace, pace!" telling me to speed it up, then Zero, or me -- I don't know -- jumped a section, and it was all downhill after that. Now Ron wants to re-block a section of the scene, but I think this will be a mistake -- blocking is not the problem. Hummm -- the old observation applies: it's easier to stay out of trouble than it is to get out trouble.

Solutions:

1. Work my "beats" and cues -- see 2004.07.06 entry.

2. Perform as I rehearsed it -- tell Ron, if it comes up, that the scene's blocking is working -- if I pick up my cues.

. . . that's it.

Rehearsal @ Impact

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Last night, a psedu-tech rehearsal, either I was not picking up my cues or Dan was not -- either way, it diminished the moment-by-moment, the scene like a big fat plane that lumbered down the runway without ever taking off.

Note: People can panic. I heard the comment (generalizing here) that doing or not doing such and such "kills it!!!" It's critical to avoid black&white, catastrophic thinking. When it comes to negative events that WILL happen at some point, catastrophic thinking is a concentration-motivation killer. It's not the event (necessarily) that "kills it" -- it's the belief about the event that "kills it."

A final note -- in the final days of rehearsal, w/much of the chronic problems of the performance solved, I seem to be struggling primarily w/my attitude and managing my expectations and "experience" -- not Shrdlu's experience, my experience, as an actor, struggling to be professional, struggling to perform optimally, believing that however well I'm doing, it is, and will be, good enough.

Christopher (not Shrdlu)

A prayer. If I start to to feel bad/down about the theatre, my cast-mates, the sets, the lights, the props, fill my heart w/love for whatever it is I'm freaking out about. Let me see it as precious gold. Let me see the theatre (and everything in it) as a holy, glorious, wonderful place, and let me see my time there as the greatest gift, as if I was just born there, in a magic place that's there to support me in whatever I choose to do, and that it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Let me see everything in the theatre as a sacred object and me as the luckiest person in the world to be there -- because it is, and I am.

This is my prayer in those times.

Rehearsal @ Impact

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Rough night – tech cues. I found the hot lights uncomfortable and distracting.

I tried to apply yesterday’s answer to: what is “good” acting, and I didn’t get very far.
However, I did seem to learn another important lesion: when the going gets rough, i.e., when I’m “off,” lost, feeling foolish, thinking I’m doing terribly, COMMIT fully, right then and goddamn there, to WHATEVER is happening: turn my attention onto my partner, onto the stage, onto anything, but shift my attention onto something that has to do with Shrdlu and his world.

Shrdlu

Technical problem: the end of the first scene, the last beat. Solve this/nail it down. It’s the last piece of this scene that’s not yet stable.

Post-script: after tonight’s rehearsal, I mentioned to Dan that I found the above helpful (getting my attention back on the scene) and he said I discovered the first lesson of Meisner: when you get into any kind of trouble (e.g., negative distracting thinking), always turn your attention to your partner.

Rehearsal @ Impact last night and today, by myself, in the loft.

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Did not rehearse much last night, but we did work on scene 2, and it was rough.

Today, I finally did a backward-sequential analysis of this scene (see Backwards and Forwards by David Ball), a technique that’s helped me so much in play/scene analysis, and scene 2 is much clearer to me now . I don’t know that the hell took me so long to do this – next time, do this earlier: it may save me time in getting a grip on the structure of the scene.

One the big lessons I learned last night is how important it is to listen – this is a habit and skill. I continually need to develop it: if a scene is like something burning, something on fire, then listening is like wind, an rush of oxygen feeding the flames. I suspect listening makes the actor’s job much easier.

Shrdlu

Shrdlu’s responses are the complete opposite of mine. I’m still working externally, i.e., from the outside-->in, and in lieu of that, sculpting the performance, “creating” Shrdlu rather then “being” Shrdlu. My personality helps; my response to inner imagined “objects” are real, but that’s it – I’m just not at all this guy in terms of how he sees himself or his world, and I definitely do not have his values. He’s really quite an extreme character.

Question: What is "good" acting?
Answer: (procedurally, from a ‘prepare/homework/rehearse’ perspective), acting is . . .

1. A deep, damn deep, understanding of the text, what the character wants.
2. On stage, listening to my partner.

… not a full answer to this question, but this is probably close to 90% of acting.

Rehearsal in the loft, Brooklyn, #4

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Fascinating – I’m now doing very specific-based rehearsals, choreographing, fine tuning, taking into account the micro-structure of the text, e.g., specific word order, punctuation. I think that after a deep cognitive understanding of the character, the objectives, the scene, this may be a natural phase in the rehearsal process, and even more fascinating, the text seems becomes even more critical or useful at this stage – at this stage, while the lines are memorized, it’s more important than ever to work closely with the physical text, esp. if I’m having trouble with “dead spots,” points of the text I simply don’t get, or if certain choices are clumsy or awkward.

Truth (verses “dead spots”):

Flow, immersion, belief: great performances come out of a belief in each moment. Mamet says you can’t force a belief – utterly true, but you can control (at least to some extent) factors that make this “full immersion” more likely, i.e., minimizing/eliminating “dead spots” (e.g., moving merely because the blocking requires it (see yesterday’s entry) or talking because I have a line now): “dead spots:” doing something w/out motivation. The more of these I can eliminate/minimize, the more “fully immersed” I become, or at least the door is open. In theatre, Truth = Belief (somehow), and these “dead spots” keep Belief (however it happens) from happening.

Rehearsal in the loft, Brooklyn, #4

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Wrote down the beats and objectives and kept these in mind while I explored.

Interesting – the text constrains the objectives/beats, the objectives/beats constrain my choices, and some of my choices have become quite external, i.e., I’m almost, at places, physically shaping the performance, using blocking, voice – esp. voice – to deliberately put contrast between critical phases.

Fascinating: at the most emotional part of the monologue (telling Zero of the murder), while still staying in touch with whatever emotions arise, I’m also exerting a great deal of control over the performance. I’m deliberately trying to infuse this part of the performance with external/theatrical considerations, i.e., emotional shift and contrast. Thank you Robert Lewis: acting is a craft.

Another critical lesion: All blocking/movement must be motivated. If at some point, the blocking becomes decoupled from motivation,

1. find motivation for the blocking
2. modify/eliminate non-critical blocking, e.g., what I did this morning. Again, the text is of great help in suggesting modifications, e.g., there are specific points he’s making to Zero (e.g., “everything was going along as usual”), and here it’s perfectly natural to look at/approach Zero before turning away to once again become immersed in the past.

Note: Need to use/develop good judgment here – radical changes in blocking can throw one’s partner off. Apart from blocking that cannot possible be changed (e.g., when Zero ask for a cigarette and Shrdlu says ‘certainly,’ I have to do it), definitely take risks, but be open to/sensitive to Dan or Ron’s concerns about the implications/consequences.

Rehearsal @ Impact Theatre

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

The goal tonight was to “explore,” but instead, I “performed” and hoped instinct and intuition would guide me – it didn’t.

Tomorrow: explore – keep my intentions in mind as I work: think and improvise. This is what it means to explore.

I can perform, or I can explore, but I can’t do both.

Rehearsal Technique: General/Specific Insights/Principles

Dan made a very good point: the midpoint of a creation/rehearsal can be difficult, like a half finished painting: the work doesn’t look/feel like its beginning, and it is not yet finished

Lately, I’m getting tired and frustrated with my level of performance: trouble spots seem more difficult than I anticipated, and I don’t feel like rehearsing, giving it my all. My attention (too much of it anyway) has been on imaging how I’m not performing up to some expectation, and comparing myself to a couple of very good actors, seeing qualities of their performance that I wish I had, e.g., energy, focus, concentration, imaging that they’ve made a much better set of choices or are executing them much more competently . . .

            So what!

First, so what if they have? Many factors may be responsible for this:
- experience
- the character is a better fit for them
- raw, universe-given talent

Second, the lesson of this experience for me is
- to commit fully to whatever “choices” I’ve made, to be brave, to take a chance on 100%+ commitment.
- to continually search for a better set of choices: keep working Shrdlu, our scenes.
- let this experience give me greater powers of focus, concentration, and stage technique.

These are the “standards” I am to compare myself to -- these are my rehearsal goals. They are invariant to scene and character, time and place.

Finally, learn how to be my best in rehearsal and performance, what to focus on, and not worry or pay attention to how others are doing, comparing myself to them.

Solution:

Each day, before each performance/rehearsal, set specific “good-for-me” goals, i.e., rational goals that will make me a better actor if I honestly strive for them: don’t’ start any rehearsal w/out identifying some specific problems I want to work on, specific things I want to try. (This will help me from gong into rehearsal and trying to live up to a vague, general “image” of what I “should” be, based on some ideal or some other actor).

Striving for these specific goals, and for this whole approach, is vastly, infinitely more important than attaining them – work for them.

The rhythm – one day, one rehearsal at a time:
1. Set some goals,
2. work,
3. then just let it all go.

That’s all I have to do . . . and remember to breathe.

Insight: what’s happening to Shrdlu, what’s really happening to him in Elysium, is quite clear to anyone reading the play, so – what’s my job as an actor? It’s like, all my expectations have been violated. I can certaintly identify with that!

Now, my natural responses to Shrdlu’s given circumstances are almost the exact opposite of his. This character’s perspective, beliefs, responses to what’s happens to him is going to require a lot of imaginative substitutions/parallels to my own life. Just take it one step at a time and I’ll be able to fully empathize with this guy.

I've got some time off from rehearsal, so I'm doing some serious re-work on Shrdlu's first scene . . .

Shrdlu

My first overall approach was to use massive substitution to empathize with how I imagine Shrdlu’s mother and Dr. A. felt about the things he talks about in his monologue. A LOT of hard work! But really, I think the heart of Shrdlu is that he doesn’t, he never, really understood why these things (e.g., the book, adventure) were “bad,” “evil,” and why other things were “good” (e.g., church 3 times a day).

This interpretation comes from two sources: first -- Shrdlu. He gives no hint that he doesn’t understand what’s happened to him until he talks about the murder, and then it’s clear that, to him, the act just ‘came out of the blue.’ He makes no connection, the way the audience clearly does, between everything he talking about in the monologue and its climax, telling how he murdered his mother.

He simply accepts his mother’s and Dr. A’s ideology, and this is the second source: this is true of all the characters in the play – it’s what the play is about: people ‘not awake,’ not thinking, but rather simply, unquestioningly accepting the conventional wisdom. They are all living under ‘false consciousness,’ i.e., any belief, idea, ideology, etc., that interferes with an exploited and oppressed person or group being able to perceive the objective nature and source of their oppression.

So, the new choice is to simply defend a set of ideas (or convince Mr. Zero of their truthfulness) -- ideas and beliefs that he doesn’t understand, and here it is easy to find a parallel with my everyday experience: How often have I marshaled out arguments I haven’t really followed, parroted a position I haven’t fully explored, all for the sake of being right? I feel embarassed to admit this, and I think Shrdlu feels a bit embarassed when he tries, and fails, to make sense of his life.

This is definitely more ‘actable’ than what I was doing before, it ‘makes sense’ given the stance of the entire play (though I suppose that’s very debatable), and if Shrdlu is, in a sense, coming from this type of place, I can definitely understand how he feels, and I can see how he’s so lost, and why, and how just by simply ‘waking up,’ Shrdlu would really understand himself, see himself the way the audience does.

I think this is ultimately the point Rice wanted to make by writing the play – Daisy is simple, but she doesn’t have an ideology that’s a substitute for herself . . . so she can, and is, guided by love. Moreover, this love, for a moment, wakes Mr. Zero to what he really wants, who he really is . . . that is, until poor Mr. Shrdlu redefines reality for him.