Setting goals . . . fear of failure

I've decided not to be goal shy -- I've decided, oh my god, not to avoid the possibility of failure, but right now, I'm quite scared.

I'm not sure why I did this, but the first quarter goals this year were to focus on training, but I haven't quite had the $$ or time, and so I've focused on acquiring auditioning skills, and the main auditioning skill I've been focusing on is cold-reading rather than monologues which I find more difficult. Further, of all the auditions I've seen out there, those requiring monologues seem to be in the minority. My performance targets in cold readings have been becoming more clear, more specific, but I haven't spent as much time & thought on monologues, though what I've been after in performance on stage has clearly helped identify and define my goals with monologues. Writing my own 3-part monologue was one way of 1) helping me identify the structure of good monologue and 2) helping me to bring to a monologue those essential components necessary for a) good story telling and for b) giving auditors an idea of my range and imagination.

For some reason, I don't know what I was thinking, but I just registered for an "audition event" to be held on the 20th of this month: Over 35 producers, theater companies, writers and directors will be sitting in on two days of auditions by over 150 actors -- additionally, there will also be a few agents and casting directors there. If I get a time slot, I'll have 3 minutes to do two monologues. I've decided to do my own 1-minute monologue, which I'm quite comfortable with, and a 2-minute Shakespearian monologue from a show I stage managed a while back. There's several advantages to this monologue: 1) I've always wanted a classic monologue. 2) It's not a traditional soliloquy -- rather it's a speech from the middle of a scene, so it probably will not be well known (always an advantage with a classical monologue, esp. from Shakespeare). 3) I watched an actor I greatly admire do this scene a lot, and so it's already half memorized, I understand it's structure and intent in the scene, and I think I can use the blocking from the show in the monologue which would really be a serious added component to the way I've usually done monologues, i.e., sitting or standing still.

Additionally, by registering for this event, I've also been able to register for a reduced price a two-day workshop this weekend going over the nuts and bolts of auditioning, and it's offered as a kind of prep. for this "audition event."

Before I registered, this sounded like a great idea -- but now I'm having second thoughts, panicky thoughts of everything that could go wrong, worried this is too much of a challenge, a threat.

What am I so scared of?

1) doing poorly in front of not 1 or 2 auditors from a single company but over 50 people from many different theatre companies.

2) there'll be 3-5 agents or casting directors in the audience.

3) Is there enough time to get the Shakespeare monologue under my belt?

OK -- I need to reduce my perception of these things as threats, somehow.

1) I'm not going to "blow it." I've done monologues before, and while they haven't gone as well as the best I've done at home on my own, and they've never gone as well as I hoped, my performance could never be classified as "blowing it." I need to clearly define for myself what I want to get out of this.

2) Ok, agents and casting directors are a problem -- I said I would never audition for an agent or professional casting director until I was much more experienced and confident. Evaluating actors is their business, their livelihood, and they will remember a poor audition. On the other hand, only a few will be there (3-5), and from last year's list, it looks like the casting agencies only sent their associates, probably for their practice and experience, so perhaps, maybe, the downside here isn't that bad.

Again, I'm not going "to blow it" -- they may just be not that impressed, and so what? Auditioning for agents and casting directors is a fine art, a high skill, and it's not my goal, yet, to have an audition that's up to the standard of what I would show to an agent or professional casting director. If I ever get to the point, get the opportunity to audition for agents or casting directors, that'll be way down the road -- and there's probably over a 100 agents and casting directors in the city -- what's the likelihood I'll cross paths with these specific people again in a high stakes situation? Probably pretty close to nil. I guess the best thing to do is just (in my mind) ignore them and don't worry about it: I don't think the stakes are high at all, given what I want right now . . .

So what do I want right now? What do I want to get out of this?

I think my main idea, what I liked, was going to this intensive 2-day seminar (very affordable) this weekend, and then trying out what I've learned at this audition "event" in 3 weeks, just a chance to gain more experience -- and this is a chance to really focus on doing just that. That's all.

What's another worry?

I know that people do get contacted by these theatre companies, for future auditions, readings, etc. That wasn't really a goal either, however, one of the things I'd like to do is become associated with a theatre company, perhaps become a member. I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing that -- mostly I think you just contact companies you're interested in and ask if they have an interview/audition process. In fact, I'm already planning to do that with one well-known theatre company. I'm more comfortable one on one, and I get a chance to be selective. Here, I don't really know anything about these companies -- I'm not really doing this to try and get my foot in the door . . . but what if nobody contacts me? How would I feel about that? What would that really mean?

Well, so what? I think the standout people, the one's who really audition well will get contacted by companies. That makes sense. If I don't audition that well, isn't this the whole point? To learn how to audition, learn more about how to do my best? If no one contacted me, would that call into question about how I feel about acting, about theatre? Is that single event somehow predictive of my entire future? I don't believe that.

I think my goal is just what I've stated it to be -- to gain experience, that's all. If I can really keep that in mind and heart and simply accept everything else w/out questioning myself, I'll be fine.