October 2005 Archives

Working again tonight -- getting back into the habit. It's like physical exercise for me. Sometimes I don't feel like doing it, I get lazy, I blow it off, time passes . . . then I think I really start to feel out of sorts: I feel frustrated with everything -- I get compulsively obsesses with doing minor things I don't really care about. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and feel lost and adrift, and I think -- at least in large part -- it's because I lose touch with this. I don't know why it's my sail, my guide.

OK -- I'm setting the bar higher now:

Gabe's monologue. Really get the content, the thoughts, the ideas -- I haven't zeroed in on them yet, but that's my target. In the past, I've worked too often from the outside-in, and I'm doing too much, going moment by moment, but nothing is strongly binding the moments together. Time to set the bar higher.

(from Jack Poggi's The Monologue Workshop, chapter 7): Improving on the content:

1. Using improv -- build up the 'structure' of the content, the sequence of thoughts, points, ideas.
2. THEN use the character's words
3. Go back and forth between #1 and #2 until I've "grasped" the content.
4. GOAL: Find the one simple thing that the monologue is about -- this will bind together the moment-by-moments.

The big question: What it is that Tom doesn't "get?" My homework is to keep reviewing critical scenes in the play that lead up to this moment. I think with this monologue, for me, that may be very helpful. Tom doesn't "get" something -- what is it, specifically? When I know that, when I'm filled with that, then Gabe will be there.

Rosemary and Howard, Picnic, William Inge, Act III, scene 1.

From last rehearsal. Start working from a general description and opening, middle, and closing attitudes/feelings. NOTE: Really try to find out what Howard is doing, what's his behavior. This will give rise to something close or related to these opening and closing attitudes.

Rosemary: A proud woman who needs to be seen as a "lady." She hides her loneliness and fear behind her identity as a teacher. A good friend. A contributor to the betterment of her community. She's in good standing, well regarded. Confused by men.

                Opening, middle, and closing attitudes/feelings: pre-occupied & empty --> determined and frustrated --> emotional, vulnerable, frightened.

Howard: Insecure, shy lonely man who has fallen into an identity that keeps him safe. Sees himself as independent. Wants desperately to be liked. Threatened by romance.

                Opening, middle, and closing attitudes/feelings: anxious & defensive --> embarrassed & evasive --> confused, extremely nervous and threatened.

Interesting. When I tried to come up w/a description and attitudes on my own, I saw Howard as comfortable in his life, liked his independence, and wants to keep things the way they are. I saw him going from defensive/evasive to guilty. I definitely got his behavior -- but I missed the why.

If I was going to audition this scene, my description of Howard, while correct, would have lead to pretty flat reading. I knew I was missing the why, but I didn't quite know what to do. A good character description can really fire the imagination, and here I needed to come up with one on my own, but I wasn't quite able to do it. I think the clues/keys/insights are in the text, and I didn't really spend enough time with it.

-- I resolve to better develop my theatrical logic and instinct to come up with some character description that makes "sense," theatrically, given the dramatic potential of the scene.

Enough for tonight.

Don't just leave work or the loft and run off to a monologue audition (cold readings are a different matter): spend a good 30-40-60 minutes thinking, feeling, getting into it, looking for further connections, insights, and then . . . just relax and go.

post-note: Feeling (again) overwhelmed with trying to master monologues, cold readings, learning to audition (by going on actual auditions). First, I'm good with exercise -- I've got a good weekly routine that easy to follow (it's now a habit), and it's really paying off. I need to develop the same routine for nightly work and going out on auditions. Working 4-5 nights or days/week, 1-2 hours, and 3-4 times a week, 15-20min voice. Set a schedule.

Monologues, cold-reading, sight-reading: Monday, Tuesday, (Thursday or Friday), Saturday and Sunday: Week nights: start 9, 9:30pm. Weekends, afternoons, 1-2 hours.

(Right now, preparing for the showcase [scene work] and 13th Street Rep [monologue] is setting my weekly schedule -- but if I can keep to the MT,T or F, SS schedule, I should be well prepared)

Voice work: Monday, Tuesday, Saturday, Sunday, 20mins

Auditions: at least once a week -- experience, Experience, EXPERIENCE!!!! GET IT (IT'S FREE!):

        Do you rehearse? Do you memorize it and fake that you're reading? How do you study for the part? Do you develop a character? Do you make specific choices? Do you give a film performance? Do you give a stage performance? Do you get coached? What approach will work best for this particular audition? You have plenty of options, but what's the answer? Experience is the answer. For each audition you will eventually learn how to produce results.

           - Jeremiah Comey, The Art Of Film Acting (p. 215)

OK -- The goal here is to keep track of 1) how I'm rehearsing for various things and 2) to note what's working and what's not

Monologue: Gabe -- Dinner With Friends. This, I think, will be a tough monologue to nail, but if I can nail it, it will great.

      I'm going to try to outline a general procedure for myself:

     Since I'm just starting out, the first step is grasp the content, the ideas, the intent of Gabe. Tonight it was just "pictures and words" (from Jack Poggi's The Monologue Workshop, chapter 7). Basically, I'm just alternating between taking-it-off-page (Guskin's approach), with the goal of personally connecting and grounding the text in my own real/imaginative experience, and improv. Taking-it-off the page helps with making things specific and real. Improving helps me to grasp the content/ideas before I find the exact words to express myself. Not sure how long I'll do this -- probably 2-3 more times.

    Idea -- for Gabe, things have been building (through most of the play) until the scene with his monologue, and Tom starts pushing buttons in this scene. I need to write out exactly what Gabe thinks of Tom, what he's done, how he feels about it. It doesn't say all this to Tom, but -- it comes though in the monologue: the end of a friendship.

   It's a sad, beautiful monologue -- or it will be beautiful if I can infuse it with hope near the end (my take on it all).

Sight-reading: Spent about 10-15min tonight. Do this every night. It's breathing, taking the phases off the page, and throwing them out, directing them to the listener. Hold the page up, no head bobbing. Keep practicing this until it's automatically nice and easy. It's not cold reading but it's handing the mechanics of it.

Lazy Boy -- wow!

I have not kept up/started what I know I need to be doing everyday. I feel I'm entering round two of all of this, and I'm afraid I won't be able to take myself to a new level of auditioning and performing . . . yet, visions for what I want for myself, where I want to be, who I want to be, are becoming more frequent and more clear -- this is something that I've got to have, so subconsciously, something very positive seems to be happening.

OK -- here's what's scheduled between now and the end of the year: 3 major goals & deadlines:

Auditioning for 13th Street Rep. on 11 . 22 . 05, 4 weeks from now. Will do a two minute monologue, Gabe from Dinner With Friends, about what it means to see the past behind you, and the future in front of you, to realize that they are probably equal now in duration . . . and now what do you do? A great monologue -- if I can find it's real truth and do that truth justice, that will be a big accomplishment. Also, I want to do very well at this audition. In fact, my goal is to make it my best audition to date. I want to perform at a level that I haven't reached yet. I want to work with Tom to prepare for the audition -- he's a highly experienced and skilled audition coach. (Interestingly, the first production of Dinner With Friends was in N.Y.C., '99, and directed by Daniel Sullivan, head of the Theatre Arts Department at UIUC).

Scene Showcase at Weist-Barron: 12 . 12 . 05 , 12 . 14 . 05 & 12 . 15 . 05. Howard, a two-person from William Inge's Picnic. Invited audience + 5-10 industry professionals (gulp!). This doesn't seem to be part of WB's regular showcase series (which is a big deal), so I'll need to ask JZ exactly what the deal is. Nevertheless, it'll be a challenging scene, at least for me. I've been reading a great book, Stanislavski In Rehearsal by Vasili Toporkov, a book that provides a first-hand account of rehearsals for the Moscow Arts Theatre under the direction of Konstantin Stanislavski -- it's an "acting journal," similar to what I'm trying to do here. I have no formal training in The Method (yet one of my goals is to become a life-time member of the Actor Studio here in N.Y.C., that would be great artistic achievement), but I understand enough of it, and it's a great account of how KS actually worked with his actors. The foundation of his "Method," I think, lay in the fact that he was a amazing observer of life and could import aspects of the real world (i.e., how people really behave) into rehearsal. That's the key to "The Method:" it grounds the actor in an objective truth, i.e., how people really behave. Application of The Method demands great observational and imaginative skills. So . . . I will start there.

New head shots. I'm not sure when, but before the end of the year. One problem is that I simply don't know what to do with my hair. It's long, people really like it (I like it), but it makes it hard to cast me. I'm going to an image consulting seminar on 11 . 17 . 05. Perhaps bring a bit more style into my life in addition to further helping to define my industry type and category . . .

Advice to myself:

Imagine you have a choice between two courses of action, two plans . . . two lives: one carries a higher risk, but it also has the potential for greater reward. One choice is "safe." The other choice is "risky." How do you choose?

An interesting article appeared in this summer's Nature Neuroscience, as reported in Scientific American Mind: Brain Region Tied to Regret Identified. It turns out if you make a choice, and it's the "safe" one and then you're informed of the more rewarding outcome of the "risky" choice, this knowledge elicited strong activation in a particular area of medial orbitofrontal cortex. Making the opposite choice did not. What's fascinating is that the level of activity observed in medial orbitofrontal cortex has previously been correlated with the intensity of the experience of regret.

While the study didn't test choosing to play it safe (i.e., you also know you're playing it safe, i.e., you knew the other choice was more risky, but you choose to play it safe, or at least safer, anyway), I'm betting you would see the same region of the brain "light up" after making the "safe" choice. Interestingly, if the choice was made for the subjects, i.e., the outcome was not in their control, they felt bad, presumably, but no activity was observed in the OFC, suggesting a feeling of personal responsibility helps govern OFC activity in addition to feelings of regret.

So . . . we're hardwired to feel regret, when we don't take a chance, when we don't take a risk, when we play it safe.

Why would we have evolved that way? Why would the Universe have "built" us that way?

Maybe because it pays to take a chance.

Maybe we're born to take risks because that's how the Universe works -- taking chances works: to "do" what we're meant to "do" in the Universe, in life (on stage), we need to take a chance, we need to risk. . .

I've decided I won't be getting into SAG this way -- though I could, and many people do.

Getting into SAG has a lot of pluses, esp. if one is doing A LOT of background work, however . . .

. . . while right now it's educational, after a while it won't be, and the SAG-rate, while nice, just isn't worth it -- for this reason: becoming a member of SAG automatically excludes one from the (non-SAG) growing independent film scene that's springing up all over the county and especially on both coasts. Independent films are becoming better and better produced and acted, and the opportunities are only growing. JZ recommends waiting until one needs to join SAG in order to do a SAG project.

It's interesting that all this came up now -- just last week I signed up for a couple of seminars at actorfest 2005, which is coming up in couple of weeks. One is about Pursuing The Indie Film Scene and the other is about SAG, AFTRA, Equity union representatives "The How's, Why's, and When's of Joining the Unions." I had a hunch these seminars were going to help me understand and address some issues in the future -- I just didn't think part of that future would arrive so soon . . .

Just got back from the set after 11 hour shooting day near Madison Park, Eleven Madison Park.

      On Sunday I submitted myself to Amerifilm Casting for a SAG film, SAG background/extra work -- they were seeking: Hip, trendy, model types and very attractive men and women, age 20's-30's. Hummm, I thought, I do have one long-haired, hip, tready 3/4 body head shot I can submit. Well it worked. I booked it -- they called Monday night and asked if I was available Tuesday morning. They said if I was not SAG, they would give me a SAG waiver (whatever that was -- now I know what it is), and the job would pay SAG rate . . . which is very nice.

Two items of interest (beyond the SAG waiver --my first):

       I hate to drop names in this journal, but I learned a lot about film acting from watching Uma Thurman & Luke Wilson tonight. The film is a comedy, and comedies tend to move about 1.5 times the speed of life, and this includes the dialog. Nevertheless -- listening closely, the characters were having a normal (though somewhat nervous conversation), yet I was taken with how fast they responded to each other -- they were not speaking quickly, but rarely was there a pause between the dialog: when one "character" said something, the other almost immediately responded. And then it hit me -- they're not giving themselves time to think at all about what the other person just said. They're just listening & responding. I then listened to some of the extras (almost all SAG, by the way) talking to each other, just to see how fast normal conversion is, and U and L were going back and forth just a bit faster. Now, of course, they prepared, they knew what they wanted, what they were after -- good, clean, clear, strong objectives, but in performance, in the moment, they were not thinking at all -- just responding immediately to each other, no time to think. It was a great lesson -- beautiful! Thank you U & L! (The more I watch professional actors, the more I can almost see how to act -- I'm getting the shape of it, and a bit how it works).

      And how did I earned my SAG-rate + overtime? All I had to do was flirt with a beautiful blond model/dancer/actress from Norway (another extra) for about 20 minutes . No lines -- we were just background in 11 Madison Park's outdoor cafe, but she was very nice (& hot!), and I got paid about $300.00, plus my first waiver. Later that night, someone told me I was a lucky man.

1st) Training. Since I've never had formal training, I find myself putting together my own program. It looks like the two pillars are: basic acting technique and auditioning skills. The real teacher, of course, is real-world experience. I find I have to audit or take a trial class to get a feel for the teacher -- I need to feel comfortable, I need to be on the same wave length, and there needs to be something there that I feel, instinctively/intuitively, I need to learn:

• JZ, a former actor and professional agent, at Weist-Barron has been good for me -- intutitively I thought I would learn a lot, & that's turned out to be the case. We're on the same wavelength. We're moving into scene work in work. Here's where I'll confront my strengths and weaknesses.
• Impossible Casting -- C.L. is an astute, tough, no nonsense, supportive guy, former casting director and (from what I can tell) well networked into the NYC casting scene. He knows what he's doing, what he's talking about, and I "get" it. Beyond this, two important things happened at the free class: 1) I found I worked pretty well with him, and 2) he zeroed right in on what I think my big problem is: thinking too much/over-intellectualizing what I think is going on; not getting out of my own way/not quite trusting myself, trying to do MORE ; and some problems breathing while performing which I strongly suspect impedes being in full contact with what's going on with me in the moment. He said I need to simplify -- very interesting observation as I was just thinking about how great acting, at it's heart, is always about one simple thing. No coddling with guy -- good: what I need is very good feedback on what's going wrong, and I think I might get it here. He focuses primarily audition for film, theatre, and commercials.
• Deborah Carlson, Word Of Mouth Studios. Something tells me her work could be very good for me.
• Jason Bennett's subpersonality work seems promising, and it makes intuitive sense to me.

       So after JZ this fall, I want to try out both Deborah Carlson and Jason Bennett, for basic technique and to help address some fundamental weakness, and I'd like to start with CL to develop a solid audition technique. Impossible Casting also runs inexpensive showcases, casting directors that CL brings in -- my goals are to get my audition skills up to a professional/competitive level in order to participate in these casting showcases. Apparently CL won't recommend that you do this until he thinks you're ready, and he pushes you to get ready.

      All this can cost some $$, but not a bad as one might think. However, my ultimate goal is to get as much real-world experience as I can, so . . .

2nd) Audition for 13th Street. I've been having some trouble setting up/finding out when their auctions are, but Abe says I just need to talk directly w/Edith to set up a time, so I'll do that first thing next week. Audition piece, Gabe from Dinner With Friends, Donald Margulies. Auditions are usually set for 6:30 PM every Tuesday evening. Target date: 11/15/2005. Work with Tom to prepare for the audition -- he's a highly experienced and skilled audition coach. Even though the audition at 13th Street won't be a huge deal, I'll work with Tom to give an audition as if my life depended on it, and that'll give me a chance to see how we work together preparing for serious auditions. CL is also a very good candidate for this role.

3rd) Daily work . . . I know what I need to do and what I want to do.

Well, I'm gearing up for auditioning again -- I'm having hard time starting because 1) I have no monologues now fully prepared and 2) I've been so damn busy. There's two simultaneous solutions to this -- become prepared and prioritize! In fact, prioritize both preparation and auditioning . . .

But in the short term, here's what's on my plate:

• Free casting/audition workshop. Impossible Casting, Manhattan, 10 . 11 . 2005
• ShowBiz Sunday: The Commercial Actor: Working On-Camera and in Print, Manhattan, 10. 16. 2005
• Prepare for a new play reading, Melissa, playing Kevin & Corey, Brooklyn, 10. 16. 2005
• JZ Acting/Audition Technique, starting script work, Manhattan, 10. 17. 2005
• Free workshop/Weist-Barron, Actors/Extra-access & Casting Web sites -- Which Are Legit?, Manhattan, 10. 20 . 2005

Well, last week's homework was helpful (i.e. preparation -- not rehearsal), except for one thing -- I didn't at all take into account P's character. A real dumb mistake that resulted in a 'charming' scene, but w/out conflict or vulnerability . . . and given the magnitude of my mistake, I'm surprised it was not worse.

Other problems: we did not take advantage of opportunities in the scene to heighten conflict, reveal vulnerabilities, e.g., when P said "That man over there, he's looking at you," and later when I said, "Let's go back to the city," both P and I backed off, away from a confrontation. Fascinating. I really gave into wanting to be comfortable up there. But also, at the top of the improv., when I realized that I had forgotten to take P's character traits and likely wants into account, I was really throw right off the bat, right off the top, and really had little clue as to what I was fighting for. Man -- I've got a LOT to learn . . . (thank you!).

OK -- let's begin again . . .

My general description: this is a man who lives with the awareness that he is passionately attracted to other men. He lives in fear of it being recognized and struggles to hide what his father described as "girly behavior."

My attitudes/behaviors for scene: talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

Her general description: this is a possessive and domineering woman, complusive and controlling who is more concerned with dignity and receiving the proper respect, and appearances in the marriage than in intimacy and sex.

Her attitudes/behaviors for scene: confident, controlling to hurt and vunerable

Scene 1. Setting/Circumstances: They've been married for 6 months. Tonight, they're having dinner. Opening line (her): Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head.

Scene 2. Setting/Circumstances: It's two years later. They are having coffee after their first visit to a marriage councilor. Open line (him/me): I can't believe he asked us to talk about our sex life.

Ok -- let's explore here, using the given circumstances, from the inside out:

Why is he drinking? People drink to be "more themselves," to act in ways that they'd like to act but are usually too inhibited. He's probably acting a bit gay and girly. (But -- how does he see himself -- how does he think he's acting/behaving)? I think it must hurt and then make him angry, her disapproval of his public behavior, and I don't think he likes being controlled, being told what to do, how to behave . . .

he goes from talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

JZ's Question: Why did he marry her (i.e., something important is keeping him in this relationship -- what is it)? To please the world. She admired my style, my wit. She's intelligent.And she loves me, I think, and I've been so lonely, and I've really enjoyed having a friend, somehow who listened to me, liked me, respected me, and she was someone that I respected -- she knows how the world works, and sex . . . isn't that big of a deal for her. We're a couple of the "mind," not the body.

JZ's Question: How does he feel about her right now? Where's the love, the conflict? She was, IS, my best friend, I really do like her, but over the last 6 months, I'm aware that I'm working pretty hard to love her, and her controlling, critical nature is starting to get to me -- doesn't she appreciate all the work I'm doing?! I'm doing the best I can to be in this relationship, to appear proper, respectable. Can't she just let me alone on vacation? That's why I wanted this vacation. I thought it would be fun, and I thought . . . she would love that other side of me . . . (HERE'S WHERE HE'S VUNERABLE) Do I always have to be on? I really resent her domineering, critical attitude. Why is she making a big deal out of how I'm behaving . . . if only I could get her to feel what I'm feeling (which is really tied up with his true inner self -- NYC externalizes everything he really is), it would be so much easier for me in this relationship.

Scene 1. Setting/Circumstances: They've been married for 6 months. Tonight, they're having dinner. Opening line (her): Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head.

          what's he talking about/doing before she says Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head?

ME: Look at it P (his hand eloquently holding the cocktail glass, sweeping across the expansive night view of the city -- Starry-Starry-Nite). I love NYC because it's so expressive. It's embodied expressionism. Expressionism developed during the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Expressionis was opposed to academic standards that had prevailed in Europe, standards that upheld representing the world as it is -- Vermeer, christ! He might has well have had a camera! The expressionist held the highest standard to be the artist's subjective experience. That's where truth was found, that's where eternity is found, where everything is found. There's nothing wrong with these people, how they are, how they live, breathe, each heart beat, free. It's freedom. They've thrown off the yoke of conventional thinking. Everything everyone hates them for -- that's what makes them beautiful ...

OR ... I've just shown her this crazy amazing dance move: I think we should take a dance class, not waltzing -- salsa! Cha-cha! I'm going to bring us alive. I sit down, and she says:

HER: Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head

(ouch! A slap in the face? Deflated? This is my "moment before," what we're going to have a fight about).

What am I fighting for? Drinking, being drunk makes me feel like fighting for what I want. To make her see that there's nothing wrong with the way I'm behaving, what makes my heart soar, that there's nothing wrong with me, and it doesn't mean I'm gay! I'm not a girl! I'm going to change her -- make her accept me, the fun, flambouint, expressive, expansive, colorful me . . . she's trying to change me, trying to make me act/be a certain way. Ok --let's play. Let's see who can change who. REALLY watch her -- is she coming around to my side? Am I winning?

Vunerability: why can't she just accept me, why can't she just love me as I am? It's lonely when you're not good enough . . .

Opposites: go back and forth between fighting and being hurt, reaching out and hitting back -- really reach out, BEG/PLED, and then hit back, HARD!!!!!! (but only if I don't get what I want). Act with her -- not over her.

<Man -- great acting is highly, HIGHLY, skilled labor>

NOTE: he's drunk -- be boyish, silly <- JZ's note. Be silly, feminize it

Find as many ways as I can to fight for this -- to make her love that other side me, to accept that other side of me. Charm her, revile her (which is more like hitting back, if I can't win), beg her, be even more what she's disapproving of.

<Enough for tonight>

Scene 2. Setting/Circumstances: It's two years later. They are having coffee after their first visit to a marriage councilor. Open line (him/me): I can't believe he asked us to talk about our sex life.

<There's a key to this scene -- once I find it, it'll unlock, but . . . I haven't found it yet: Something life and death is going on here -- what!!!!!>

JZ's Question: How do I feel about her, us, right now? Why did I say this? The problem isn't me! It's her! She's driving me crazy! What the hell's that got to doing with anything?

My attitudes/behaviors for scene: talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

I think he's really frustrated now. He was hoping to get the councilor on his side (can't he see the way she is? The problem isn't me -- there's nothing wrong with me -- it's the way she's acting!)

JZ's Question:What's changed? The pressure to be "normal" has really grown. I feel completely crushed.

JZ's Question: What frightens me? That I'm going to disappear.

What am I fighting for? I've got to get her to back off. Turn it around. It's her that's got the problem, not me. Don't talk about me at all. If she would just stop trying to change me, everything would be perfect.

Bottom lines: scene1 -- fighting for: change her-make her accept me.
                       scene2 -- fiighting for: change her-make her stop, put her on the defensive.

Tonight:

• Understand/breathe in the homework
• then breathe-listen-react, w/out thinking -- follow all impluses

Post-Class review

OK -- it went very well, and I now finally understand, and have a basis, for how to "prepare" as opposed to "rehearse," two processes I've never fully separated until now. And I like to write, so this particular technique is great -- write it all out. Further, a solid "preparation" technique is critical for readings. I think when I'm on the road, I'm going to bring a little notebook with me and start writing as part of my preparation when I'm out there, in the big city.

Other notes and tips:

1. Definitely spend time, a lot of time, on the other character -- what they are like, what they want. For readings, this is critical. Do exactly what I've done above, but do an even better job than I've done here.

2. Overall, I felt that what I was fighting for got a bit fuzzy in scene 2.
    Insight: Always when I saw great performances, I always noticed how simple it was, one simple thing was always there, and I don't think I've ever fully understand what's going on, but I think it's this:

               . . . a single goal ('what am I fighting for?'), pursued w/many different strategies.

    No wonder Shurtleff (Audition), and others, stress this so much. I'm doing so much up there, all this work, but in some sense, my attention and what I'm after (I'm embarrassed to say) has been all over the place. Much of the time in these improvs, I've been "trying to be good," and doing whatever makes sense with that goal in mind. In other words, I'm groping or outright flailing.

 . . . a single goal ('what am I fighting for?'), pursued w/many different strategies . . .

This is a great constraint on things -- powerful constraints on any complex activity forces and creates efficiency and creativity through the application of focus and imagination.

OK -- so this is the top single thing I need to get good at. And it doesn't come out of the blue, I suspect. I strongly suspect that many times it comes out of the type of preparation I did above, tackling the text from many different directions, asking the right questions. In short, my ability to find what the character is fighting for in a way that I deeply understand and connect with will be a function of how well I can hone my dramatic instincts to uncover dramatic structure. If I can really see the whole world for that character in that piece, see what's really at stake for him, I'll have come a long way in my preparation for that role.

3. What a character is fighting for often seems to come out of their vulnerabilities. For example, in one scene, a woman is wary of a male co-worker asking her out on a date. She's afraid to take a chance, afraid she won't get what she most needs in a relationship. She's very vulnerable (for whatever set of reasons -- hopefully the text will provide clues) when she doesn't get what she needs. She fighting to take a chance. Questioning him, watching, evaluating, testing, challenging him. Starting with vulnerabilities helps makes finding what the character is fighting for much easier.

One of my goals was to do a 30sec monologue for the (becoming wildly popular) Manhattan Monologue Slam. I told a young woman I know, Sam, at one of our cold reading workouts, that I was going to do this, so she got very excited and said she would too. As time went on, I got too busy to work on this, but Sam started writing something. Then, a few days ago, when I asked her how things were going, she e-mailed and she wasn't going to do it.

I understood -- it's very competitive, and you're very visible, and the best of best of the the working/professional New York City theatre scene is there . . . and it got me off the hook. I e-mailed back (to make her feel better) that it's probably not a big deal, one way or another to do it, but we made plans to go to MMS tonight anyway.

This morning, however, I realized I needed to prepare for a class on Wednesday, so I cancelled on Sam, but told her, if she still decided to go, to tell me how it went.

Tonight, I got this from her:

              you suck.

              i, however, auditioned tonight. =) and i actually had fun. the talent was amazing, so the competition was fierce. i didn't make it to the top 6, but i did have several ppl tell me that they liked what i did, and one said that she'd like to see me do the whole thing. thought that was pretty cool.

              i'm definitely working on something for next month. if for no other reason than that i have to. it's like a kamikaze mission. you can't not do it. and as long as you keep going, you know you're doing something right.

              i'm sorry you missed it. but then again, it was probably easier to throw myself up there on my own anyway.

              sam

Shit! She's right. I do suck! Dammit -- I really admire her so much for getting up there and doing it. Now I have to do it!

. . . now you know, there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

               -Morpheus, The Matrix, 1999

I don’t write particularly to effect social change. I believe writing can do that, but that’s not why I write. I work as an artist.

         - August Wilson, The Art Of Theatre, Paris Review, 1999

I read Fences in Urbana-Champaign Il, in late August, in that blazingly hot summer of '99. It was part of the readings for a MFA theatre history class at The Mason Gross School For The Arts at Rutgers University, a class that I somehow managed to talk my way into. I was bolting from a research position at Rutgers, and I had bolted from NJ in that hot dry fiery late August summer. I didn't know exactly where I was going at that moment, but I knew exactly what I wanted to do . . .

Fences was, and remains, one of the most moving plays I have ever read, and it is a landmark in 20th Century theatre.

Near the turn of the century, the destitute of Europe sprang on the city with tenacious claws and an honest and solid dream. The city devoured them. They swelled its belly until it bust into a thousand furnaces and sewing machines, a thousand butcher shops and bakers' ovens, a thousand churches and hospitals and funeral parlors and moneylenders. The city grew. It nourished itself and offered each man a partnership limited only by his talent, his guile, and his willingness and capacity for hard work. For the immigrants of Europe, a dream dared and won true.

The descendants of African slaves were offered no such welcome or participation. They came from places called the Carolinas and the Virginias, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee, The came strong, eager, searching. The city rejected them and they fled and settled along the riverbanks and under bridges in shallow, ramshackle houses made of sticks and tarpaper. The collected rags and wood. They sold the the use of their muscles and their bodies. The cleaned houses and washed clothes, they shined shoes, and in quiet desperation and vengeful pride, they stole, and lived in pursuit of their own dream. That they could breathe free, finally, and stand to meet life with the force of dignity and whatever eloquence the heart could call upon.

By 1957, the hard-won victories of the European immigrants had solidified the industrial might of America.War had been confronted and won with new energies that used loyalty and patriotism as its fuel. Life was rich, full, and flourishing. The Milwaukee Braves won the World Series, and the hot winds of change that would make the sixties a turbulent, racing, dangerous, and provocative decade had not yet begun to blow full . . .

        - August Wilson, preface to Fences, 1985.

Just came from Annie Chadwick's second Career Development Workshops for Actors, ShowBiz Sunday at The Drama BookShop. This week it was Meet The Pros, a panel of the 5 top acting coaches in New York City.

All either where or are working professional actors. Deborah Carlson stuck a cord in me with her approach, esp. the class she teaches based on the work of Patsy Rodenburg. It's an approach that (at least from what I heard today) seems to compliment Meisner and my own intuitive way of working (i.e., breathing, listening, and reacting rather than acting -- and I also seem to have trouble breathing). Tom Demenkoff also struck a cord -- a highly experienced and skilled audition coach. Even though the audition at 13th Street won't be a huge deal, I think I'll work with Tom to give an audition as if my life depended on it, and that'll give me a chance to see how we work together. Clearly for important/professional auditions, working with an coach is almost essential . . .

Finally, I was one of Annie's invited guests, so I attended the workshop for free! Her invitation was out of the blue -- last spring when the series closed for the summer, she sent out a request for reviews of the workshop. I sent one in, and she remembered that, but more interesting, she somehow noticed that I've been to almost everyone one of the workshop despite the fact that 99% of my the time was spent listening and absorbing (and summarizing in this journal) everything I've learned and asking only a very few questions -- in fact, she couldn't quite put a face to my name and asked me to make sure I introduced myself to her. A very nice, very gracious attractive woman, a very talented actor/singer, and a career coach (Up-To-Date-Theatricals).

Life In A Poetic Universe, Rest Of The 2005 Goals:

...Most actors fail not because of lack of talent but because they

• don't work hard enough
• aren't disciplined
• are literal rather than truly imaginative
• see their limitations as deal-breakers
• are ruled by their negative side
• are NOT persistent

...The actors who make it work hard.

...I discovered that every single night of the year's run, Ruth Gordon came to the theatre an hour before the rest of the cast and onstage alone went over all her stage moves and her part to keep it fresh and disciplined and new. What most actors don't know is that"newness" comes from discipline, not from inspiration.

       - all from Michael Shurtleff's Audition (p. 224-8)

I've just finished Michael Shurtleff's Audition. First published in 1978, it's still in press, and out of a possible ranking range of 1 to almost 4,000,000, it's ranked (as of yesterday) in the top 3000 books sold on amazon. Well deserved popularity, and it sets the stage for my own creativity routine . . .

1. Monologues & Cold/Warm Reading Practice & Vocal Workout

Goal -- One hour/day, 3-4/week. Suggested days: Monday, Thursday or Friday, Saturday & Sunday
Goal -- 15 minute vocal workouts, 3-4/weeks. Suggested days/times -- when no one is home, which fortunately, is quite often.
Goal -- get up an hour earlier so all this isn't happening so late in the day.

NOTE . . . "newness" comes from discipline, not from inspiration . . .
Many actors I know, myself included, keep changing monologues. I'm going to try to stick with what I've got because they do "fit." me. When I start to get tired or bored or frustrated with them, or if they just feel stale and old, I'm going to take that as an opportunity to go deeper -- try working with Brett again or try Karen Kohlhaas workshop.

2. New Head shots-- deadline: by the end of October, early November.

3. Audition for 13th Street Rep -- deadline: by the end of October, early November (Work with Tom).

4. Daily submissions for auditions -- I'd like to get an audition 1-2 time per week.

P. S. Worried about the Wednesday night class -- it culmanates in a "Showcase Performance." What the hell is that, exactly? I know JZ mentioned this, but now I'm wondering if this will include some industry professionals. I don't think it will -- Weist-Barron has showcases, but you have to compete to get into them. However, I think it's a prep., somehow, for their professional FILM & TELEVISION SHOWCASE showcases. Now that I'm writing, I realize this is exactly what I should be working towards at WB -- I'll need to talk to JZ about this, and see where his class fits into the scheme of things at WB.

This all seems like pretty advanced stuff, so I just haven't worried/thought about it -- and it is advanced stuff -- but something tells me that kind of thinking of making me passive in this area, i.e., taking chances in a professional arena. I can choose not to participate, but not even being aware of this aspect of WB is definitely not being pro-active.