December 2005 Archives

showed a girl, a woman, that I'm crazy about . . . that, well, I'm crazy about her

             and I prayed to a God I don't believe in, that no matter what happens . . . thank you

Answer: Motivation to have one.

For me, a good performance never just happens on it's own. What's always helped my motivation:

• Before each performance, identify a trouble spot and then work on it and then the night's performance goal will be to use what I've learned. (But I've got to find the time to do this before each performance).
• Each night before bed, mentally rehearse -- see myself going through the scene, the blocking.
• Pre-performance procedure: rehearse the beats explicitly @ home before the show. Mentally rehearse before I go on -- stay quiet, focused, apart (if need be) from the other actors. Do this before every performance to maximize the chances of doing my best.

          Snow lightly falling in Bryan Park, New Yorkers ice skating under a transluent Christmas tree, a magically lit Empire State Building rising over a bright nightime cityscape down from 34th street . . . it's Christmas in the City.

       The showcase closed tonight. Once again, can't remember too many personal projects where I put in more time and energy -- and having agents and casting directors in the audience each night is certainty motivating. Much of my effort this time focused, more than it ever has before -- not on "analysis," really (I'm not sure what that is now) -- but on these imaginative forages into the world of Howard and Rosemary and Independence KS, c. 1953. More of the forage was into Howard's world, who he was around the time to the scene, his larger life, his deeper concerns. And I loved doing it, loved intuitively discovering him and his world.

      Two things seems to happen that I don't fully understand -- I had very clear images of Howard, yet they seemed to come from an idea of him, a spontaneous idea of him, but an idea nevertheless, and surprisingly, it was not that helpful. While my writings -- at least I tried to do this -- stayed firmly grounded in the emotional terrain of Howard (where the writing really did help), the images of him nevertheless had an effect, i.e., a nice guy, and mid-west 40 year boyish businessman, a boy at heart . . . and from these strong images came strong inferences (for lack of a better word) of what he was like, his behaviors, his attitudes . . . and, as beautiful and as wonderful as they were, they -- at least at times -- got in the way of some deeper and wholly unexpected aspects of Howard, aspects found deep within myself . . . parts of me I didn't ever really see or experience . . . and it's where truth lay.
      If I give into that . . . I don't know where I'll go . . . but in the end -- I'll find Howard, and I guess I don't know what I'll find, but I have absolute unshakeable faith that it will be him . . . it has to be . . . there's nothing else to guide me.
      This, I think, is the trust in myself that I'm looking for. The images are almost predictable, familiar, safe. I need to move away from that and into this space where I'm almost blind . . .where I don't know where I'm going. It's where astonishment is . . . and where I cross into eternity. It's way more than just acting for me . . . it's reaching into this eternal space which seems to hold absolutely nothing for me . . . and then I discover myself.

        Anyway . . . ah yes, I almost forgot. I did something quite controversial -- actually, it's not controversial: it's suppose to be an outright bad idea, and there is, as far as I can tell, uniform agreement on this, and while I understand and appreciate the rational . . . it's never, really, made a lot of sense to me. The advice is:

    never watch an actor do a performance that you're going to do . . .

    The rational, the danger, is that one will try to "do" what that actor is doing at the expense of one's own unique contribution, that it will unduly influence you. These are real concerns, but I think they are overblown, or at least more of a concern for professional accomplished actors rather than the student or the beginner, and even then I'm not so sure . . .

    The power of example

     Albert Bandura thinks that classical learning theory's preoccupation with trial-and-error learning is shortsighted. "Coping with the demands of everyday life would be exceedingly trying if one could arrive at solutions to problems only by actually performing possible options and suffering the consequences. Bandura says it's fortunate that people learn from vicarious observation, since mistakes could prove costly or fatal.
     - SOCIAL LEARNING THEORY of Albert Bandura

    Despite these dangers, I felt that the power of example outweighed all other factors, and so . . . I was very curious to see how a professional tackled the role of Howard, and so before the opening, I rented and watched the 1995 production of Picnic where Howard is played by Arthur O'Connell (there's been more recent productions, and I'm going to try to watch those as well).

    What I learned.

     Frankly, before I hit the play button, I was worried about consciously or unconsciously trying to imitate Arthur O'Connell (who did the original stage play of Picnic, and then won an Oscar-nomination for "best supporting actor" for role), but once the scene started, it was amazing -- I was immediately drawn into what he was doing as an actor -- Howard, his take on him, just fell away, and I observed the craft, i.e.,

• He was, at all times, listening closely to Rosemary, and I could see him reacting to her -- I was not doing this. I just knew when I saw this that I was not listening that closely, and that was a source of so many of my difficulties
• Many times Howard has one word responses, e.g., "well," and each time I packed so much into that one word, but ... I didn't get it, and it never felt right. Often these one word responses were in sections where R is doing much of the talking. I saw Arthur listening intensely, I could see the reaction inside, a thought or feeling building and then, when R paused, H would utter this one word, and I saw that it was the start of some thought he wanted to express, but then R would cut him off. One entire beat in the scene was completely decode for me when I saw this (i.e., at the end of the beat, that thought was finally expressed, but it built throughout the beat, so simply, so beautifully) -- I wasn't listening and letting myself react nearly to the extent that Arthur was.
• Every line -- it had a specific, clear meaning. Again, I simply wasn't being specific enough in many places . . .

      It was the best experience watching him. It was like a dream, like a window opening and light pouring into a room that was shrouded in fuzzy shadows and vague shapes. Suddenly it was 1000% more clear to me what I need to do. While I guess I'll never know for sure, I feel that seeing this improved by own performance by 200% . . . or more. When I dream of being an actor, this is what I dream about: what I saw him do.

     And did I imitate? I think if I put my performance up side by side next to Arthur O'Connell (though I would NOT want to see that comparison), Ithink I'd find my choices, in many cases, where quite different from his. I loved his Howard, but I could never imitate what he did -- it just wouldn't be who I am, what I saw as Howard's needs and wants, and it just would not have been what I was able to give to the part.

     Someday, someday . . . I would love to be a great actor (& I don't, really, even know what means . . . but god . . . I'd love to find out)

Notes and Discovery . . .

      Notes

1. Last night started well (starting well -- always a good thing), but then something happened -- a part of the set wasn't set, and P had to deal with it, and I was watching her deal with it and then my concentration broke, i.e., for a few seconds, I was acutely aware I was 'performing' in front of about 10-15 people in a very small studio room . . . I let my concentration break . . .
2. You said you were gonna marry me, Rosemary told me, and I didn't feel anything -- why? I remember telling myself, 'ok, don't anticipate this,' and of course, that was anticipation right there, anticipation because my attention was not where it needed to be. Next time, focus on the time, the real time -- set my watch to H & R's world, 12:30, 1am -- and start calculating how much time I have before I have to get up. Let myself be surprised by Rosemary saying this and then we'll see what happens ...
3. just before the No, the need to buy time wasn't there. Why? You can be here in the morning, Rosemary says.Next time -- really hear her, i.e., if I don't do or say something . . . I'm getting married, tomorrow, in the morning!
4. From the very beginning, I've always felt an enormous amount of compassion for Rosemary, as most people do, and I'm sure that Howard does too -- yet, my main concern is to how to get out of this, to buy time, etc. I don't want to marry her, but I do love her -- but I don't want to marry her and I have this awareness, especially near the end of how I'm afraid this will hurt her . . . but still -- no way am I gonna say yes. For a while -- I don't know why -- I fought this feeling of compassion, this awareness of what Rosemary is going though, and -- I take that back: I do know why -- it's an obstacle, it could make me cave in . . . yet . . . Next time, stay in touch with it, in fact, stay fully in touch with it, but still, I've got to leave her tonight in order to think all this though. If I can let the compassion out, experience this w/out letting it stop me, I think that would be a fine contribution to Howard, and it would really do justice to who he is, what he is, and what he's trying to do. It makes him human . . . perhaps because I'm able to use the best part of me . . .

      Discovery (a important trick get better and better at)

• Letting my idea of the character determine a moment -- a BAD idea.
• Letting go of an idea of the character -- a GREAT idea.

      Beat's 5 and 6 were always awkward, but I always tried to "act" as I imagined the character would act . . . acting from my "head," an idea of the character, and yet over two weeks ago, Howard told me how he felt, and this was something I never -- when I often sat back and "thought" about it -- imagined at all. My idea got in the way and for the last two weeks, I overlooked what was right in front of me -- or maybe it just took that long to learn how to use what Howard had given me (am I really that slow?) . . . anyway, what finally happened on opening night I added to my 12 . 11 . 2005 notes, and it all came together very nicely, a 1000% improvement over whatever the hell it was I doing before . . .

    . . . it was if Howard took over a part of the me to do what he needed to do

      I know the first line, the rest is an improvisation . . .
      - Kevin Klein, on playing Hamlet

Showcase Performance Dates: 12.12, 12.14, & 12.15.05, 7PM, Weist-Barron, 35 West 45th Street, New York City.

   Question. Did all the analytical preparation help? These imagination exercises were created on pen and paper, and they certainty helped me "understand" Howard. But how to bring that to the stage . . . can it be brought to the stage, to the set . . . ?

    I hope time and experience will help this transference -- I'm not sure if there is much transference, unless I force it, sort of, or at least parts of it. I'm ambivalent about it -- though I did enjoy the exercises immensely, and I felt, in the end, that I understood Howard, my Howard, very well.
    I suspect it's an intermediate step, somewhere between personal, intuitive, impulsive response (where truth is always found) and the constraints of the text, the special problems of specific moments. I used it as a bridge, a tool to crack open the tough parts of the scene.

    Finally, what is baseball? Really, it's just fundamentals: it's hitting the ball, catching the ball, and throwing the ball. Practice like hell, learn those fundamentals well enough and you just might find yourself in the majors. It's just fundamentals.

    And that is what acting is. Tonight: moment-by-moment. The moment is all I have. Talk to her, really talk to her . . . really love her. Really watch and listen -- is she hearing me? Whatever effect I'm having, take it in, let it hit me . . . and don't think -- trust.

Beat 5. Here it seems it's all about triggers (NOTE 1: these triggers, what Howard hears or thinks, were found in rehearsal -- I didn't " decide" that this is what H thinks/hears.

NOTE 2: in [] are the typical response I had -- most of them I didn't try to have, but they did start to become a habitual response. If the performance went on for more than I week, the triggers would have stayed the same, but the responses would have changed.

NOTE 3: the triggers, H's thoughts are my best recollections of the moments, but they are poor fits to what I was actually feeling/experiencing. I did find a deep emotional logic, a combination of an awareness of being pushed by R, a need to find a way out, and a growing resentment. This needed to happen on it's own, at it's own pace. What I'm writing here didn't drive or control the scene -- what was happening was much faster than thought and language. These thoughts and words are my best recollection of what happened, but what they were in those moments . . . something else created them . . . not me, i.e., not a "me" thinking/planing how it was going to be.

What I want is constant from Beat 4 to end of the scene: I'm not getting married like this, this pressure, this urgency . . . When Rosemary talks, what follows is what Howard hears . . .

Howard.
    Well, can't we talk about this Saturday? I'm dead tired and I've got a busy week ahead, and . . . [Note: I had create a complete thought, though I never had a chance to express it:I've got to get up early to drive back to the courthouse at 10 when it opens...]   

Rosemary.
  You gotta marry me, Howard
   [right now!? We need to get married right now!?]

Howard.
   Well -- honey, I can't marry you now. [Here I found a choice of looking at my watch, i.e., making a small joke, trying to get her to lighten up]

Rosemary.
   You can be over here in the morning.
   [She's not hearing me, not taking the hint]

Howard.
   Sometimes you're unreasonable. [this usually came out as light exasperation]

Rosemary.
  You gotta marry me, Howard
   [She's pushing me. I have to get out of this. She has to teach tomorrow -- what is she thinking?]

Howard.
  What'll you do about your job?

Rosemary.
  Alvah Jackson can take my place till they get someone new from the agency.
  [Great! She's not gonna back down . . . I don't want to do this, this is a huge pain in the ass, this, all this, is so unreasonable, it's not fair, doesn't she see this . . . ? ]

Howard.
  I'll have to pay Fred Jenkins to take care of the store for a few days.
  [NOTE: this "thought"/feeling, fairly complex in the moment, actually came before the line: One more unreasonble thing I need to do, this can't be happening . . . ]

Rosemary.
  Then get him.
  [is there anything else that I can do, say . . .? . . . no . . .]

Beat 6. It's all triggers . . . getting what I want . . . and love and compassion . . .

Howard.
   No.

Rosemary.
  Howard!

Howard.
  I'm not gonna mary anyone that says, "You gotta marry me, Howard." I'm not gonna. (Rosemary starts to cry). If a woman wants me to marry her -- she can at least say "please." [My typical response was to simply use these words to tell her how I felt, about how I felt about her pushing me. NOTE: and now here's a clear case where preparation really helped, i.e., the 11 . 28 . 05 notes, when I asked H about where things stood between him and R after he proposed to her, i.e., he said: "I just feel that when the time is right, it'll come up on it's own, (getting angry) when the time's right, and a man just knows when the time is right You can't push a man into doing something before it's time!" I didn't decide that that's how Howard felt -- that's what he told me (and it completely revealed these two beats to me). Now -- that's not literally true that H "talked" to me, but Howard and I feel or respond the same way sometimes, (acting -- it's almost like character uses parts of me to do what they need to do, and I'm always very happy to lend those parts . . . I NEED to lend those parts). After R started crying, my compassion for her started coming back].

Rosemary.
  Please marry me Howard.
  [I've got to have time to figure out how to handle this...]

Howard.
  Well -- you got to give me time to think it over.

Rosemary.
  Oh God! Please marry me, Howard. Please (she sinks to her knees) Please . . . Please.
  [I've got to get her up and into bed ...]

Howard.
  Rosemary . . .. I . . . . I gotta have some time to think it over. You go to bed now and get some rest. I'll drive over in the morning and maybe we can talk it over before you go to school, I . . .

Rosemary.
  You're not just trying to get out of it, Howard?
  [Yes! . . . but I'm not just going to abandon her...]

Howard.
  I'll be over in the morning, honey.

Rosemary.
  Honest?
  [Yes -- about talking]

Howard.
  Yah. I gotta go to the courthouse anyway. We'll talk it over then.

Rosemary.
  Oh God, please marry me Howard. Please.
  [Ok, just get away now but let her now you're coming back]

Howard.
   Go to bed, honey. I'll see you in the morning.

Rosemary.
  Please Howard!

Howard.
  I'll see you in the morning, Good night Rosemary.

Rosemary.
  Please.

Howard.
  Good night, Rosemary. (Howard exits)

Rosemary.
   Please.

On one blog, a struggling actor said he acted to gain validation from others: friends, family, peers . . . the word validation didn't make sense to me in this context. I even looked the word up in the dictionary and it still didn't make sense. However, from the context, I think he was talking about validation of self, of himself, not his acting.

I do feel there is a difference between my "self" and what I "do," or what I want to do, strive to do. I don't tell anyone I "act" (except friends, who've seen me perform, and so obviously they know I do this, or if I'm asked directly). No one else knows. My name is not in this journal -- it's not about me. My name isn't (directly) on my web site -- again, because it's not about me (and 2nd, it's not a marketing tool, in which case my name would be all over it).

I feel no need to tell or announce to just anyone that "this" is I want to do -- that would be bizarre for me: it's so personal that I'm not comfortable telling just anyone, and it's so fragile in me, it's so central and important in ways I can't describe or communicate -- what I "do" (or working to "do," hoping to "do," striving to "do") and other people . . . those two things just don't intersect. I'm basically shy. I don't really like to be the center of attention. I'd rather listen then talk.

However, I do understand validation. I would love to have my work validated. I would love to have my work be the center of attention (on stage, on film). I would love to have my work, what I'm able to create and communicate, get all the validation and attention, and of course that means something to me, but "I" don't really need it. So that's why "I" work hard for "it," what I love. It's love for something, giving "all" to something. I want to do well by these characters, by their hearts and souls, and I love giving all the compassion I can to them. In some sense, "I" don't want anything -- I just hope I have something to give. Looking for validation of self -- that seems to completely reverse this flow . . .

I guess it's the giving where "I" and "it" intersect, where "I" and "art" intersect.

       . . . don't pray to have more talent, to have things made easier, pray to be a strong person, to use fully what I've been given . . .

Ok, this is a tough part of the scene for me:

Question: So you asked Rosemary to marry you. Now you regret it, when you think about it, which isn't often . . . don't you want to get married?

        I don't know. I'm so old now. It seems like such a youthful -- foolish? -- thing to do. And I'm not unhappy, I'm really not. Sure, it's lonely, but you get used to that . . . even enjoy it sometimes. I have my store, my business, I'm settled, comfortable. Rosemary is . . . well, she's my friend. We're friends, really . . . we're not doing all that silly stuff that all the young people do, all the running around as if it's all the end, or the beginning, of the world.

Question: Ok, but you asked Rosemary. Now you haven't talked about it since, but . . . do you think she's just going to forget about it? You really can't see yourself married? Have you ever thought about it? What's been your thinking about all this since you asked her. Did you change your mind?

       I guess I just never really have thought about it, about what R really thought. I always assume she's as happy with things as I am. Me? Married? Look, I shouldn't have proposed. I'm happy and comfortable and I don't want to change, I don't feel like changing. Why should I change? I can't imagine it. I'm not sure how or what it means to be a husband, or how to do that. It's scary.

Question: What if Rosemary asks you about it. Have you thought about what you'd say, if you were really honest?

      I guess I would say what I've just said: It's too late now. I don't feel a need for it. I'm happy with the way things are . . . or at least I'm not unhappy, and that's comfortable . . . more comfortable then change.

<NOTE: Have I found enough motivation for Howard? Is it really just this? I do think it is this AND that that fact that Rosemary is pushing for an answer right now. From Rosemary's perspective, it looks like H doesn't love her, at least not enough, and I don't think Howard knows, at this moment.
    I think a lot of "common" wisdom would tell one to build up some huge trauma for H, creating serious reasons why he doesn't want to get married, but even if I did that, how would it really help me? If the above are H's reasons, I can definitely empathize/identify with those. And in this scene (which isn't about H's reasons) it's enough for R and the audience to know that he obviously does not want to move ahead, and this is VERY BAD given that Rosemary so painfully, desperately needs to be married NOW! I guess I'm making choices within or constrained by what makes the scene work and Rosemary's role in it. The scene is not a one-man show about a guy who's so traumatized that he can't get married, so I just haven't tried to create that . . . I'm hoping that was the right decision>.

Beat 4. This seems to be a "technical" beat for me -- there are certain things I want to happen, and I'll need to rehearse/practice them . . . at least we'll see how that works out. At the end of beat #3, I really need to have my attention fully on getting home -- that's what I'm doing, that I've been trying to do . . . and then Rosemary brings that action to a screeching halt.

Technical note 2: Rosemary is doing a lot of talking here -- I need to be listening, hearing what she's saying, and reacting to that -- with the goal of trying to comfort her and change her mind about how she's looking at things, to feel about things the way I do. So, even though R is doing all the talking, I'll be constructing counter-augments inside while R is talking. Both characters, I think, are being very honest about their feelings here . . .

Technical note 3: Howards gets cut off a few times -- know what he would say if she hadn't cut him off . . .

What I'm doing in this beat, however, is three things.

• I don't want to get married for reasons X, Y, and Z, and so I'm simply trying to tell Rosemary that: I'm telling her I changed my mind about wanting to get married, and
• I care for her so I'm 2) trying to comfort her and change her mind about how she's looking at things, to feel about things the way I do, i.e., it's not so bad. This is important because if I can succeed, then she will feel better, we won't be at odds, and I get what I want: I'm happy and comfortable
• the beat ends with more pressure from Rosemary, so again, I'm tying to get away

<NOTE: What I want -- leads to --> action -- leads to --> reaction, what really happens in the scene. What if I got a different reaction, i.e., what if I got what I wanted here in this beat? There's one consistent thing missing in the scene, and that's clear hopes & expectations. Improvising the scene where I get exactly what I want might be a good way to better imagine what I want...>

Howard.
  We'll talk it over Saturday.

Rosemary.
   We'll talk it over now.
   [Damn! Now what? I'm so tired, I've got to get out of here...]

Howard.
   Well -- honey -- I
   [Technical note: I really need to have my attention fully on getting home, and then R says . . . The trick (for me) is that the more attention I can put here, on getting home, then the more I'm taken by surprise, and that starts this whole beat off (for me) on the perfect foot]
   [12 . 12 . 2005 NOTE: NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH! Specifics are everything! (So I'm thinking too much, and worse, it's all general: two basic annoying problems). Before the show, I set my watch to 12:30am. When I got to this part of the scene, I knew exactly what time I had to get up, 8am, to get to the courthouse, and I'm busy calculating how much sleep I'm going to get if I leave right now, and I'm going to tell her/show her how little time I have and -- bam! She hit's me with "you said you were gonna marry me..."]

Rosemary.
   You said you were gonna marry me, Howard. You said when I got back from my vacation, you'd be waitin' with the preacher.
    [this triggers a lie, trying to get out of it]

Howard.
  Honey, I've had an awful busy summer and . . . [I just didn't have time with everything, and ...]

Rosemary.
  Where's the preacher Howard? Where is he?
  [decide to simply tell her the truth. See the above preparation, the question: What if Rosemary asks you about it. Have you thought about what you'd say, if you were really honest?]
  [12 . 12 . 2005 NOTE: This transistion always felt awkward. It's easy to imagine him fumbling or building up courage to tell the truth, but ... just try to do 'that'. Instead, I got more specific, in a way, i.e., it really helped to continue, inside, to try to come up with another lie or excuse, try to think of something else . . . and then . . . just give up and decide to tell her the truth. Quite naturally, my shoulders and chest spontaneously relaxed -- trying to lie, trying to get out of it spontaneously got me a bit tense. Just doing these two things -- my body reacted as if I was really doing this, at least most of the time].

Howard.
  Rosemary, I'm 42 years old. A person forms certain ways of living, and then one day, it's too late to change.

<Technical note: Rosemary is going to be doing a lot of the talking . . . sketch in what each section might trigger while R is talking. If Howard reacts, and he does while she's talking, these are likely places]

Rosemary.
  Come back here Howard. I'm no spring chicken either. Maybe I'm a little older than you think I am.
  [H is thinking: did she lie? how old is she?]
  I've formed my ways too, but they can be changed. The gotta be changed.
  [H is thinking/feeling: I don't want to/feel like changing]
  It's no good livin' like this,in rented rooms, meeting a bunch of old maids for supper every night, then coming back home alone.
  [well, it's how you look at it. it's no bed of roses either, but what life is? And ... it's not so bad, really . . .]

Howard.
  I know how it is Rosemary. My life's no bed of roses either.
  [A line reading to myself: end this sentence on an up inflection rather than a down, if I can do it naturally. Given the goal of trying to comfort her while trying to change her mind about how she's looking at things, I'm hearing an implied "but" at the end. That should come out naturally if I'm really trying to do this -- we'll see]

Rosmary.
  Then why don't you do something about it?

Howard.
  I figure -- there's some bad things about every life.
  [another implied but at the end here, e.g., but it's not so bad really . . .]

Rosemary.
   There too much bad about mine.
   [she's really suffering]
   Each year, I keep telling myself, is the last. Something'll happen. Then nothing ever does . . . except I get a little crazier all the time.
   [Now H wants to say something, but he gets cut off after "well"]

Howard.
   Well ...[. . . honey, it's just how you look it at . . . we have very nice lives, each other . . .]

Rosemary.
   A well's a hole in the ground Howard. Be careful you don't fall in.
   [at this point, just reacting emotionally to whatever she's giving me, e.g., angry, sadness . . . I'm just trying to help...]

 Howard.
    I wasn't trying to be funny.

Rosemary.
   And all this time you just been leading me on.

 Howard.
    Rosemary, that's not so. I've not been trying to lead you on.

Rosemary.
   I'd like to know what else you call it.

 Howard.
    Well, can't we talk about this Saturday? I'm dead tired and I've got a busy week ahead, and . . . [I've got to get up early to drive back to the courthouse at 10 when it opens...]