March 2006 Archives

Terrified . . . I don't know why really: this role is big, & I'm actually quite scared -- it's the biggest thing I've ever done, and I still haven't really done that much. I'm "slow" because I really don't know yet how to work/rehearse -- it's getting clearer, but still, I wish I had a lot more experience . . .

. . . and I want to be good. There's so much to put together. It's everything I want. It's too much. Do I really have it in me to do this? And what will I do . . . who am I? I feel vulnerable, scared, embarassed to feel this way . . . looking for a sign, something to point the way . . .

1999.

I was leaving it all behind, everything I knew, in that late midwest blazing summer . . . and the millennium rapidly approaching.

Before heading out east, I had seriously decided instead to go back to school, to get a BFA in theatre. Shortly after deciding this, I somehow learned that one of the acting MFA graduate students in the theatre department had gotten her BFA degree at a university I was considering, a school in Detroit: the undergraduate department there was surprisingly highly ranked, one of the older conservatory programs in the country, and it was close to home -- I could qualify for in-state tuition, so I e-mailed her to ask what her undergraduate experience had been and to get some general advice about how I might go about getting into this program.

She wrote me back, which was great.

It's interesting what crystallizes in memory -- I don't remember the specific answers to my questions, but I do clearly remember her telling me of her struggles and her triumphs while getting her BFA, and how & why she decided to pursue an MFA. While most of the details have faded in memory, the impression of a determined, passionate young woman remains. I don't know if she was ever scared, ever worried that something was too big for her, that maybe she couldn't handle it. Maybe she was; maybe she did -- and if this is true, then she did it all anyway, and she kept on doing it . . .

. . . for that brief moment in the summer of '99, my path crossed hers, and the impress she left with me, an example of what can be if one doesn't flinch, if one stays, no matter what, strong and determined.

A prayer: to calm and center me, to breathe in everything, to find my strength.

Great, I've scared myself to death -- again. This role I've accepted -- it's the largest thing I've ever gotten: not the lead, but a central main character, a co-lead, I guess: the same character across a couple of different large scenes from two plays. I'm oscillating between oh my god, oh my god, thank you thank you thank you, oh my god, oh my god, thank you thank you thank you . . .

. . . Where do I begin? How do I do this?

Break it down -- there's time. The Adding Machine was fairly large, though this is larger (gulp!), but I've done scenes before, and this role is really just 5-6 scenes, and it doesn't go up until the end of May.

• First, I've got a photocopy of the script, but it's small and tiny -- I need a more spacious copy, if I can find one.
• Second, there's a professional production (a film) of the play. It's too early to watch, but once I've really found my way, I think/hope it'll be enormously instructive to watch a professional actor doing my role, but I need to locate this film -- probably the New York City Library of Performing Arts at Lincoln Center.
• Third, read the play (or plays) -- one is The Lark by Jean Anouilh, which explains all the physical activity of the character.
• Forth, I need to come up with a good solid rehearsal schedule: I would love to keep up with my monologue and cold reading work, but the role will gradually start to crowd out available time -- that's too bad because I was working hard to build a habit of working on these things, and I'm making progress ... well, if I'm extremely good in managing my time (another habit I'm working hard to acquire -- working hard because I haven't yet acquired that habit!), I should be able to get 30min-40min/day, 4-5 days/week for cold reading, just to keep momentum in that area -- momentum is everything! One monologue is coming together now -- the thing to do is get that nailed down as quickly as possible and then audition at 13th Street Theatre. OK -- there are my goals between now until the end of May. I need to set a definate schedule with deadlines, and then -- stick to it, and I'll both be OK and I'll achieve what I want to achieve.

There's so much work I want to do -- I find myself immersed it all, and I want to spend all my time doing it: I went to great movement and voice monologue workshop last night . . . voice and movement, the two magic engines of it all: the immediate and BIG benefit was it just made me much more present in my body, and then -- I suspect -- all the inner work from a scene or monologue, any images, all that will affect me that much more readily, that much more surprisingly and deeply, i.e., I hadn't really done that much work on this one monologue . . . yet, I was amazed at how simply being fully present and just letting myself be affected by whatever was going at the moment, without even trying to think about the character, the given circumstances, etc., made the work surprisingly more alive and nuanced. Nice!

Training Goals: This year, I really only have four goals, all are important, but the last two are probably my priority, and one will be a serious commitment:

• Improv Class(es): I will take improv class(es) at the P.I.T. They were highly recommended to me by a woman who's now an understudy for one of the characters in Tony N' Tina's Wedding
• Subpersonality Work: I will take Jason Bennett's subpersonality work: it seems promising, and it makes intuitive sense to me.
• Vocal work: Deborah Carlson stuck a cord in me with her approach, esp. the class she teaches based on the work of Patsy Rodenburg. It's an approach that (at least from what I heard today) seems to compliment Meisner and my own intuitive way of working (i.e., breathing, listening, and reacting rather than acting -- and I also seem to have trouble breathing sometimes).
• A Serious Commitment To Consistent Training: Finally, it's time now for serious training. I've been working on my own, and doing as much "on the job" training as I can, but every serious actor in the city, especially the ones who are consistently working, are highly trained. So, I'm looking at a major acting conservatory school in the city -- I won't be able to go full time, but it's a two year program, and the plan, starting in the fall, is to start study there, and also study with the owner of the conservatory who is a master teacher.

So, to sum up: I need to start consistent vocal work now; between now and the fall, I want to take 1 or 2 improv classes and Jason Bennett's subpersonality workshop. As $$ is a factor, and the move has tapped me out, I'm going to try to take these two classes in the spring and over the summer, probably starting in May or June.

Performance Goals: Again, between now and the Fall, I'd like win 1 to 2 opportunities on stage and one student/independent film.

• Luck has been with me of late: I was just offered a part in a show that goes up in Manhattan in Spring, so -- that's one down.
• Audition for 13th Street Rep., and then audition and win a role in Line. This is actually a very major goal: to be a member of the company and in the longest running off-Off Broadway Play in the city would be a dream come true and a major achievement. This needs to happen by the summer.

Seeing Visions: I need to "see" myself doing things: Visions before plans & goals. I often have "Visions" when my mind is quiet, when I'm still, grounded, centered, and then I know deeply, exactly what I want, and I can "see" myself doing it. Want to learn to "see" myself as S.S., H.K., successful (& great!) actors, winning auditions, working. Find a life-coach, someone who can help me build this skill.

Daily Monologue And Audition Training and Experience Goals (this will be critical for my growth and learning how to develop discipline):

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not just an act, but a habit.
      - Aristotle

Between desire and fulfillment lies habit: small things done daily will have BIG long-term effects.
     - Me

• This comes from Larry Moss's The Intent to Live (a GREAT acting textbook, one of the best I've ever read): the goal is to learn one new monologue a month and to use his "Monologue Workout Program" exercises.
• Keep developing my cold reading skills.
• Vocal Exercises 4 times per week.
• Try to audition once a week.

As I'm coming to see, this type of training is really critical for highly trained actors how don't have much audition experience. However, while I am not yet a highly, well trained actor, this work will be invaluable for the future. So how will I do this work? Here's my schedule:

• Monday, Wednesday, Friday : 8-8:30am, workout; 8:30-9am, shower, breakfast; 9:15-10am, monologue work; Evening: 7:30 or 8PM, sight-reading practice for 15-20min, cold reading for 30-45min.
• Tuesday, Thursday: 8:30 - 9:15am, shower, breakfast; 9:15-10am, monologue work; Evening: 7:30 or 8PM, vocal work for 30min, sight-reading practice for 15-20min, cold reading for 30-45min.
• Saturday, Sunday: exercise (45min), painting, writing, vocal work (30min).

Work In Perfect Faith: All Love, No Fear

My goal is to keep this schedule unless I'm preparing for a performance (which actually I will be, in the spring).

OK -- the Daily Monologue And Audition Training and Experience Goals will be the foundation of everything. Then take these classes, and . . . take a shot at getting into Line. After the summer end, then focus primary on training while still being a member of 13th Street Rep.

- C'est simple

Ok - I reviewed the goals I set for myself last year, and I batted about 40 to 50%. Not bad, but not great or even very good:

Summary:

2005 Training Goals: improv skills, on-camera technique, and commercial audition classes
Result: only an on-camera technique class, 2 actually (Jeffrey Zeiner), but I got a lot out of it. Also took a monologue workshop, which was great for finding new material and getting invaluable feedback. So, 1 (or 1.5) out of 3.

2005 Performance Goals: 1 to 2 theatrical productions, a film, and paid professional work.
Results: A lead in a one-act off-Off Broadway production at 13th Street Rep. No film work and no paid professional work. I did do a small 4 night run showcase of scene work at Weist-Barron which was also great experience. Again, 1 (or 1.5) out of 3.

2005 Audition and Audition Preparation Goals: Learn 3 monologues, practice/develop cold reading skills, identify my type, get new head shots, and audition at least once a week.
Results: I learned 2 monologues (a contemporary dramatic and a classic (Shakespeare); I did practice cold reading skills, but of the time I wanted to devote, I only put in 30-40% of that time. I made headway identifying my type, but no new head shots, and I did not even come close to auditioning once a week. So, this is the worst category. I really fell short of my goals here.

2005 Other Goals: Auditioning for 13th Street. This didn't happen.

The one biggest problem I've had is using my time well, and that mostly impacted my 2005 Audition and Audition Preparation Goals category. Of course, the 2005 Performance Goals category depends directly on this. The other category was training -- not bad, but I wanted to do more.

Where I need and want to do better is really with these Audition and Audition Preparation Goals, i.e., it only requires my time and effort, and small daily practice will go far. As for the other goals, e.g., training, finding my type, head shots, the problem is really been not knowing exactly how to proceed, not having clear defined goals that I can put my shoulder behind and push.

Bottom line: Laziness and not being clear enough about what I want/need.

On the plus side, what opportunities I did have (aside from my 2005 Audition and Audition Preparation Goals), I did make the most of those opportunities, and I did grow, and now that I have my own place, it will be easier to work on things myself at home -- in fact, privacy, was a major factor in getting my own place -- and while getting a new apartment took quite a bit out of me, all the experience of last year, and now having my own place, it's becoming surprisingly more clear about what I want, what I feel I need to do, and I feel even more committed, so ... onto part II.

In late December, 2005, the lease holder of the loft I was living in needed to convert it into a space for his business because his business rental space was bought out by a developer (because rents have been skyrocketing), and there was just no other affordable option for him, so with T-minus 30 days & counting, I had to locate and then sign my own place by the end of Januray. Two months later, I'm finally back on my feet (in Fort Green): I just completed the classic Great New York City Apartment Search, and everything that one hears and imagines? . . . It's worse than that: it's unbelievable, and you must go where Angels fear to tread:

To call it a housing "market" out here w/a straight face is to invoke a convincing Orwellian spirit of double-speak. The experience consists of:

• finding your way to gothic smoky chaotic paper strewn offices of crazed landlords who see tenants as their natural advisories if not outright enemies,
• sifting through the "No-fee apartment listings" and just praying you can pick out the legitimate ones (good f***ing luck),
• panicking in real estate listing offices that routinely look, sound, and feel like the New York Stock Exchange on a Black Tuesday (the NYC housing/apartment market is one of the world's most competitive, and it's fast. i.e., if you get a call in the morning about a 'great apartment' in a 'great neighborhood' at -- and here's the key words -- an affordable price, you've got about 45 seconds, at most, to act on the opportunity,
• fighting off hard selling agents (who's commission is often 15-20% of a years worth of rent in the world's most pricey apartment market),
• and all the while you're just an insignificant piece of paper flying through the maelstrom desperately trying to find something to hang onto while fighting off visions of becoming homeless in this city.

However, it turned out I was not alone, and I was lucky to work with a great guy & broker, Leif.

In the end, I not only survived the maelstrom, I seemed to have thrived -- after going through credit checks, unbelievably extensive interviews involving bank statements, letters from employers, reference letters from previous landlords and roommates, copies of at least 2 years worth of tax returns, finding and convincing potential guarantors who also have good credit and at least 2 years of tax returns and a good job to co-sign the lease with you, after all that and still(!?) getting turned down, luck and the gods intervened, and finally . . . oh my god: my apartment: it took a month to find, a month to move in, and it's beautiful, wonderful, a miracle -- I feel as if I fought through hell itself to get it, and it's mine, Mine, MINE!!!!!!!!!!!

If you even joke with a New Yorker about taking their apartment from them, they will kill you instantly, and no local jury will ever convict them.