Dying Young (not a great idea) and Thoughts On Rejection

Though it likely will be some time before anyone knows definitively what killed Heath Ledger, he wouldn't be the first young Hollywood actor to fall victim to drugs. (Heath Ledger's Death Puts Spotlight on Abuse of Prescription Drugs, Marrecca Fiore, Fox News, 01 . 23 . 2008)

On the sad occasion of Heath Ledger's death, Bob Fraser posted some timely wisdom on the nature of "rejection" in the business, and how NOT to handle it:

The sad and sudden death of Heath Ledger (and last week, Brad Renfroe) reminds me of a warning I passed along some four years ago, when writing about rejection in You Must Act!

There are 5 VERY BAD WAYS to react to rejection, all of which lead to directly to long-term failure. Any one of these methods will be fatal. When I say 'fatal,' I mean fatal to your career plans – however, the last BAD WAY – (5) – can be literally fatal.

DO NOT try to deal with the inevitable rejection you will face in your career, by using any of these 5 VERY BAD WAYS:
1. Lying to yourself.
2. Lying to others.
3. Listening to other people's lies.
4. Being lazy.
5. Destroying your product.

Bob expands on each of these bad ideas:

LYING TO YOURSELF – This one usually involves saying things like: "I'll give myself 5 years to make it." (When you know it might take longer.) "I only want to make a living." (When you really want to earn the kind of money people earn when they 'make it.') "I don't mind dating this guy if it'll get me where I want to go." (When you do mind.) "I am so talented (beautiful, smart, special) that there is no way I can fail." (No one believes stuff like that.)

LYING TO OTHERS – A lot of people in show business do it. This type of lie is most often told on the resume."I was the lead in the original production of Rent." "I studied with Uta Hagen." "I can ice skate like Katerina Witt." Or said at parties, in an attempt to impress someone else: "Yeah, I met with George Lucas. They're considering me for the young Han Solo."

LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE'S LIES – This is a tough one, but you must be wary of what you hear from other people. (They may be dealing with their own rejection by practicing the first two kinds of lying.) E.g., "No one hires your type anymore." ([decoded, this means:] I can't get a job and neither can you.)

BEING LAZY – This is probably the most common reaction to rejection. It is one of the worst tactics – because not only will you get bad results, you will blame yourself. (We all know when we're being lazy.)

Laziness usually takes the form of not doing your homework ([not] sending out headshots, making phone calls, going to class, booking auditions, writing another draft, rehearsing, setting up meetings, keeping in shape, etc.).

DESTROYING YOUR PRODUCT – This is the worst reaction to rejection you can choose. Drugs. Alcohol. Partying. Eating too much. Driving too fast. Making enemies. In other words, participating in self-loathing, self-destructive, anti-social behaviors.

WARNING – This kind of behavior can manifest itself even if you are financially and professionally successful. Think of John Belushi, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, River Phoenix, Chris Farley etc.

Recognizing these BAD strategies is critical because I'm betting we're not even fully aware that we're acting counter-productively in the face of rejection, i.e., we just think we're making ourselves feel better for a time.

In addition to recognizing what not to do, for the long term, you need to know what you should do to get yourself thought it all.

As a long term solution, what's helped me is to re-frame (perceptually, cognitively) the whole experience of rejection. A great start in learning to re-frame is a book, hilariously titled, Reject me! I Love It! It sounds like a hymn to masochism, but it's really a set of recipes for turning the rejection experience around -- not to just make you feel better, but to propel you closer to your goals -- closer than you would have been if the rejection had never occurred!

How's that for a turn-around!

Second, it's important to get into the habit of focusing on the big picture, seeing the long-term, and practicing persistence -- see: Attitude Is Everything: "Failure Is Not An Option" which retells the story of Edwin C. Barnes who, out of nowhere, who was an absolute nobody, became one of Thomas Edison's most successful business partners.

Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.
Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit.
~ Napoleon Hill