Recently in Developing Dramatic Instinct Category

One of the great Orators in the Western Cannon is Shakespeare's Marc Antony. It's little known that Marlon Brando, early in his career, played an electrifying Antony, and you can see part of his performance here, skillfully turning the crowd against Brutus in his speech after the murder of Caesar. Play the movie clip ("Dogs of War" monologue) and then you'll have the option to play the next clip, the "Friends, Romans, Countrymen" monologue as an introduction to the lost art of public speaking, of speaking aloud: Oration, Recitation, Rhetoric. . .

Visual Thesaurus interviewed Harvard Professor James Engell, author of The Committed Word: Literature and Public Values, who revived the study of rhetoric at his university after a 60 year hiatus -- and who argues that a classical literary education is critical for today's communicators:

the definition of literature [in the 19th Century] was broader [than it is today]. It meant not just poems, plays and novels and the criticism associated with them, which is what usually people take to mean by "literature" today. "Literature" back then really meant the written record of human experience, particularly anything in which attention was paid to the resourcefulness of language, its aesthetic qualities, its richness of vocabulary, its persuasive effects and its ability to engage emotion and intellect at the same time. Historical works were considered literature. Works on politics were generally considered to be literary.

"How To "Think" your way through a text by speaking it, to really "get it" at all levels, intellectual, emotional, is not only the foundation of classical literary education, it is the foundation of Theatre, of Acting, and it's a lost art there too:

In a critically important class here in New York City, new actors are being taught a new respect for "the text," i.e., they're being taught to not skim over the text as they speak but to pay attention to the natural organization of language, to pay attention to and take in its rhythms in order to find out what the author or playwright really meant.

Disclosure about how well I'm trying to manipulate you: the headline of this post ('Oration, Recitation, & How to Think your way through Text') has an Emotional Marketing Value Score of 22.22%, not bad, but below what a professional copywrighter could do. On the plus side though, it does appeal primarily to your spiritual side.

Through my facebook account, I was virtually introduced to the Artistic Director of the Collective Theatre's Group 2 Theatre Acting Workshops NYC. The classes are very inexpensive (I have to interview, possibly audition, to get into the class), and I liked their tag line: Its about the craft first, then the business.

It's close to my own: It's about the craft AND the business as I've decided to focus on both at the same time (i.e., training, actually working, & focusing on Acting As A Business, all at once), despite my fears and inexperience . . .

I don't know if I want to do these shows because I need to act . . . or because I need to learn how to act. I guess I'm not a natural actor: I seem to spend most of my time -- not acting -- but in learning how to act, how to get better . . .

and I take a great deal of joy in that.

Rehearsals for The Upside Down Mirror are going well, but it's an emotionally challenging play, esp. for the lead characters. I've been watching many of us, especially myself, struggle.

Some thoughts about why it can be avoidable struggle . . .

How to Rise the Stakes

A couple of weeks ago, I had a cold reading audition. It went well (though ultimately I didn't get cast).

I thought I would try to get more out of my audition experience by taking the opportunity to do an audition "post-mortem" at Word of Mouth @ A/C Studios. I wrote Deborah the follow email:

Hey Deborah,
       Tomorrow, could we take 10-15 to do a post-mortem of an audition I just did. The sides where from a play (attached), just pages 43-44, and I was Donny. Basically, Donny is a pedophile (another one! :), and the short scene is about Donny trying to convince his wife Ellen to stay home (the real reason being he's afraid of what he might do with his daughter if let alone with her).
       I read the scene once, and then the director said he wanted me to read it again but "raise the stakes." He explained the context of the scene to me, i.e., the real reason why Donny is trying to convince Ellen to stay home, but I already understood this. So, my instincts told me that the director wanted to see a "guilty" Donny, or basically, play/show the "subtext" somehow. I could have been wrong, but that's how I interpreted his direction.
      My next instinct was NOT to do that, i.e., I choose NOT to "indicate" or "show" the subtext, but then I found myself not sure what to do other than what I had just done, but just breathe deeper, slow down, etc. Anyway, my question is -- what should I have done with that direction? Were my instincts correct? I wanted to do a bit of post-mortem, 10-15min or so, and get your advice. Thanks Deborah.

- Cheers,
Christopher

Deborah wrote back:

We’ll talk about what the director meant. You were right to not be obvious or indicate the subtext but I’ll explain what he was talking about . . .

I ran across a great article in Backstage that reaffirms the training approach we're taking at Deborah Carlson's Word Of Mouth Studios.

Betsy Aidem (She recently received an Obie Award for sustained excellence of performance) has this to say about how she learned to approach plays -- and how it helped her to move forward:
Not surprisingly, Aidem cites an acting teacher, not a buzz-creating role, as her career turning point: Zina Jasper. She studied with Stella Adler and Harold Clurman and knows how to understand what a playwright is trying to say, Aidem says. She has a lightning-rod ability to connect what's on the page to the heart. Up until I started working with Zina, my experience of a play was totally subjective.

I thinks there's two goals, at least for me: 1) understanding what the playwright is REALLY trying to say and 2) connecting that to my heart. On this second point, it's the distinction of "knowing" what's going on a scene and actually "living/doing" that. Often it seems I "get it" (or at least think I do), but the "doing" it doesn't automatically follow. It's like what Morpheus tell Neo in the first Matrix movie: "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

This is exactly the strength of Deborah's approach: how to read, and how to connect. If I'm not working towards those two goals, I might get lost in that subjective place Aidem talks about.

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is on a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

~ Martha Graham (American Dancer and Choreographer, 1894-1991)

I don't know if I'd agree that there's never any satisfaction -- that's too grim, but it's definitely true that growth is at least partially motivated by being unsatisfied with some aspect of your work, but not letting that dissatisfaction ruin your day or motivation. Martha Graham definitely had a great relationship between who she was at any given moment and an idea/desire of who she would like to be, and maybe it's comes down to dropping any idea/desire of what you should be and work instead on just becoming more open.

A rough night tonight on the coast of Wales near Barkloughly castle: more notes on how to approach learning a monologue, avoiding fundamental acting errors, and removing specific obstacles.

New Training/Lessons:

• Placing the voice: (see The Actor Speaks, exercise 17, p.75): speak "1," "2," "3," . . . "10" alternating between the top and bottom of my vocal range (using just enough breath -- see The Actor Speaks, exercise 21, p.79), and then find my middle/natural voice/tone -- it is from there that I should always speak.
• Building more breath support: Sigh from the top of my range to about half way down (to my eyes, my middle/natural voice/tone) and then intone a speech: use lips, full breath, and go slow. When I start the sigh, train myself to be immediately on voice, i.e., no empty breath before a sound.
• Find the high palette: (see The Actor Speaks, exercise 17, p.75). "ooo" into "ah," full breath, easy, slow, place the vibration. Intake should be silent if my palette is up.

Soliloquy notes:

All soliloquies are to someone who listens and "gets it." Communicate clearly the thoughts to that person, and I'm half way there, the most important part of the way.

Acting: A Serious Discipline and a Craft

Notes on doing monologues:

With all monologues, you "think" yourself into consciousness, you "figure it all out" as you go along. Most -- if not all -- monologues are "insight" based.

Train myself to be "on" the text (see The Actor Speaks, exercise 51, p.176): communicate only with eyes and breath -- no extraneous movements of my head and body: just breath, move nothing else.

Notes on Vanya:

After Elena leaves, his monologue -- don't play the end: he doesn't feel like a fool until he says it.: Be exactly where Vanya is, and that's IN the words, ON the line I'm speaking, and NO WHERE ELSE. My full attention needs to be on where he is right now, NOT on where he's going. Train myself to always work this way.

Most characters, especially Chekhov's, are usually "unhappy," i.e., they're striving for what they're convinced will make them happy, and the mistake I'm making is to put a negative spin on everything they say, i.e., assuming the characters feel unhappy or negative or upset when speaking just about anything. In Vanya's monologue, thinking about Elena, remembering when they meet, imagining how things could have been -- that gives Vanya great pleasure (and he's drunk too) until he realizes what a fool he's been. All stories have a natural arc -- find them.

Notes on voice and acting:

• Thoughts go to the end of a phase, sentence or group of sentences -- "hold the thought" -- see The Actor Speaks, p.46-7, 55, 170, 173, 176, 193-7, 202-3.
• A GREAT way to discover how I emotionally connect is to build up the line on Voice breathing one word at a time ("Breathing The Text" from The Actor Speaks, p. 170). Often the piece, sections of it, will become more clear to me.
• If I can hear myself breathe, the palette is not lifted and I'm sitting on my voice. Always up, over, and out.
• Don't wait for thoughts and feelings before I speak -- thoughts and feelings come with breathe.

Notes on how to work a scene:

• Read through it thought by thought -- note how I feel, but don't try to figure out how the character must be feeling or how they might be saying something. Concentrate only on what they objectively say. Understand the thoughts and communicate them -- then and only then will the feelings follow, and I won't know how I'll feel until I'm actually feeling in the moment.
• Listen, answer, top my partner -- take the energy and throw it back, with more energy if necessary.

Acting is NOT about saying something -- it's about discovering something.

Capacity Exercises:

When breathing out on an "S" and "Z" (from The Actor Speaks, p. 47), smile and keep the upper palette up.

Monologue Work:

Gabe ("Dinner With Friends"). Clumping my way through it, falling off the end of each line (going down). Goal: Think my way through it, but 'hold it up.' Exercise -- intone each "thought," and then speak the thought, and then speak the entire piece. Don't punch or empathize certain words -- concentrate on being clear to Tom: make the meaning clear.

Do the Journey Of The Walk (from The Actor Speaks, p. 197) , and do the monologue again.

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
~Aristotle

I've started working with Deborah Carlson Word of Mouth @ A/C Studios:

Technique Will Hold You ... "joans voicess" Closes

Deborah Carlson is one of the few New York City actors that teaches an approach grounded in the work of Patsy Rodenburg.

While not anti-method, this approach foregrounds the importance of the text and trains one in a physical technique of breathe and voice/body.

Rather than try to abstractly discuss this type of approach to acting, I'm simply going to record my class notes, in the hopes that this will accelerate my grounding in this technique.

Most of my focus so far has been on monologues, how to rehearse them, how to perform them. Here are some answers to questions I had about monologues:

Well, last week's homework was helpful (i.e. preparation -- not rehearsal), except for one thing -- I didn't at all take into account P's character. A real dumb mistake that resulted in a 'charming' scene, but w/out conflict or vulnerability . . . and given the magnitude of my mistake, I'm surprised it was not worse.

Other problems: we did not take advantage of opportunities in the scene to heighten conflict, reveal vulnerabilities, e.g., when P said "That man over there, he's looking at you," and later when I said, "Let's go back to the city," both P and I backed off, away from a confrontation. Fascinating. I really gave into wanting to be comfortable up there. But also, at the top of the improv., when I realized that I had forgotten to take P's character traits and likely wants into account, I was really throw right off the bat, right off the top, and really had little clue as to what I was fighting for. Man -- I've got a LOT to learn . . . (thank you!).

OK -- let's begin again . . .

My general description: this is a man who lives with the awareness that he is passionately attracted to other men. He lives in fear of it being recognized and struggles to hide what his father described as "girly behavior."

My attitudes/behaviors for scene: talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

Her general description: this is a possessive and domineering woman, complusive and controlling who is more concerned with dignity and receiving the proper respect, and appearances in the marriage than in intimacy and sex.

Her attitudes/behaviors for scene: confident, controlling to hurt and vunerable

Scene 1. Setting/Circumstances: They've been married for 6 months. Tonight, they're having dinner. Opening line (her): Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head.

Scene 2. Setting/Circumstances: It's two years later. They are having coffee after their first visit to a marriage councilor. Open line (him/me): I can't believe he asked us to talk about our sex life.

Ok -- let's explore here, using the given circumstances, from the inside out:

Why is he drinking? People drink to be "more themselves," to act in ways that they'd like to act but are usually too inhibited. He's probably acting a bit gay and girly. (But -- how does he see himself -- how does he think he's acting/behaving)? I think it must hurt and then make him angry, her disapproval of his public behavior, and I don't think he likes being controlled, being told what to do, how to behave . . .

he goes from talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

JZ's Question: Why did he marry her (i.e., something important is keeping him in this relationship -- what is it)? To please the world. She admired my style, my wit. She's intelligent.And she loves me, I think, and I've been so lonely, and I've really enjoyed having a friend, somehow who listened to me, liked me, respected me, and she was someone that I respected -- she knows how the world works, and sex . . . isn't that big of a deal for her. We're a couple of the "mind," not the body.

JZ's Question: How does he feel about her right now? Where's the love, the conflict? She was, IS, my best friend, I really do like her, but over the last 6 months, I'm aware that I'm working pretty hard to love her, and her controlling, critical nature is starting to get to me -- doesn't she appreciate all the work I'm doing?! I'm doing the best I can to be in this relationship, to appear proper, respectable. Can't she just let me alone on vacation? That's why I wanted this vacation. I thought it would be fun, and I thought . . . she would love that other side of me . . . (HERE'S WHERE HE'S VUNERABLE) Do I always have to be on? I really resent her domineering, critical attitude. Why is she making a big deal out of how I'm behaving . . . if only I could get her to feel what I'm feeling (which is really tied up with his true inner self -- NYC externalizes everything he really is), it would be so much easier for me in this relationship.

Scene 1. Setting/Circumstances: They've been married for 6 months. Tonight, they're having dinner. Opening line (her): Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head.

          what's he talking about/doing before she says Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head?

ME: Look at it P (his hand eloquently holding the cocktail glass, sweeping across the expansive night view of the city -- Starry-Starry-Nite). I love NYC because it's so expressive. It's embodied expressionism. Expressionism developed during the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Expressionis was opposed to academic standards that had prevailed in Europe, standards that upheld representing the world as it is -- Vermeer, christ! He might has well have had a camera! The expressionist held the highest standard to be the artist's subjective experience. That's where truth was found, that's where eternity is found, where everything is found. There's nothing wrong with these people, how they are, how they live, breathe, each heart beat, free. It's freedom. They've thrown off the yoke of conventional thinking. Everything everyone hates them for -- that's what makes them beautiful ...

OR ... I've just shown her this crazy amazing dance move: I think we should take a dance class, not waltzing -- salsa! Cha-cha! I'm going to bring us alive. I sit down, and she says:

HER: Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head

(ouch! A slap in the face? Deflated? This is my "moment before," what we're going to have a fight about).

What am I fighting for? Drinking, being drunk makes me feel like fighting for what I want. To make her see that there's nothing wrong with the way I'm behaving, what makes my heart soar, that there's nothing wrong with me, and it doesn't mean I'm gay! I'm not a girl! I'm going to change her -- make her accept me, the fun, flambouint, expressive, expansive, colorful me . . . she's trying to change me, trying to make me act/be a certain way. Ok --let's play. Let's see who can change who. REALLY watch her -- is she coming around to my side? Am I winning?

Vunerability: why can't she just accept me, why can't she just love me as I am? It's lonely when you're not good enough . . .

Opposites: go back and forth between fighting and being hurt, reaching out and hitting back -- really reach out, BEG/PLED, and then hit back, HARD!!!!!! (but only if I don't get what I want). Act with her -- not over her.

<Man -- great acting is highly, HIGHLY, skilled labor>

NOTE: he's drunk -- be boyish, silly <- JZ's note. Be silly, feminize it

Find as many ways as I can to fight for this -- to make her love that other side me, to accept that other side of me. Charm her, revile her (which is more like hitting back, if I can't win), beg her, be even more what she's disapproving of.

<Enough for tonight>

Scene 2. Setting/Circumstances: It's two years later. They are having coffee after their first visit to a marriage councilor. Open line (him/me): I can't believe he asked us to talk about our sex life.

<There's a key to this scene -- once I find it, it'll unlock, but . . . I haven't found it yet: Something life and death is going on here -- what!!!!!>

JZ's Question: How do I feel about her, us, right now? Why did I say this? The problem isn't me! It's her! She's driving me crazy! What the hell's that got to doing with anything?

My attitudes/behaviors for scene: talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

I think he's really frustrated now. He was hoping to get the councilor on his side (can't he see the way she is? The problem isn't me -- there's nothing wrong with me -- it's the way she's acting!)

JZ's Question:What's changed? The pressure to be "normal" has really grown. I feel completely crushed.

JZ's Question: What frightens me? That I'm going to disappear.

What am I fighting for? I've got to get her to back off. Turn it around. It's her that's got the problem, not me. Don't talk about me at all. If she would just stop trying to change me, everything would be perfect.

Bottom lines: scene1 -- fighting for: change her-make her accept me.
                       scene2 -- fiighting for: change her-make her stop, put her on the defensive.

Tonight:

• Understand/breathe in the homework
• then breathe-listen-react, w/out thinking -- follow all impluses

Post-Class review

OK -- it went very well, and I now finally understand, and have a basis, for how to "prepare" as opposed to "rehearse," two processes I've never fully separated until now. And I like to write, so this particular technique is great -- write it all out. Further, a solid "preparation" technique is critical for readings. I think when I'm on the road, I'm going to bring a little notebook with me and start writing as part of my preparation when I'm out there, in the big city.

Other notes and tips:

1. Definitely spend time, a lot of time, on the other character -- what they are like, what they want. For readings, this is critical. Do exactly what I've done above, but do an even better job than I've done here.

2. Overall, I felt that what I was fighting for got a bit fuzzy in scene 2.
    Insight: Always when I saw great performances, I always noticed how simple it was, one simple thing was always there, and I don't think I've ever fully understand what's going on, but I think it's this:

               . . . a single goal ('what am I fighting for?'), pursued w/many different strategies.

    No wonder Shurtleff (Audition), and others, stress this so much. I'm doing so much up there, all this work, but in some sense, my attention and what I'm after (I'm embarrassed to say) has been all over the place. Much of the time in these improvs, I've been "trying to be good," and doing whatever makes sense with that goal in mind. In other words, I'm groping or outright flailing.

 . . . a single goal ('what am I fighting for?'), pursued w/many different strategies . . .

This is a great constraint on things -- powerful constraints on any complex activity forces and creates efficiency and creativity through the application of focus and imagination.

OK -- so this is the top single thing I need to get good at. And it doesn't come out of the blue, I suspect. I strongly suspect that many times it comes out of the type of preparation I did above, tackling the text from many different directions, asking the right questions. In short, my ability to find what the character is fighting for in a way that I deeply understand and connect with will be a function of how well I can hone my dramatic instincts to uncover dramatic structure. If I can really see the whole world for that character in that piece, see what's really at stake for him, I'll have come a long way in my preparation for that role.

3. What a character is fighting for often seems to come out of their vulnerabilities. For example, in one scene, a woman is wary of a male co-worker asking her out on a date. She's afraid to take a chance, afraid she won't get what she most needs in a relationship. She's very vulnerable (for whatever set of reasons -- hopefully the text will provide clues) when she doesn't get what she needs. She fighting to take a chance. Questioning him, watching, evaluating, testing, challenging him. Starting with vulnerabilities helps makes finding what the character is fighting for much easier.

General description: this is a man who lives with the awareness that he is passionately attracted to other men. He lives in fear of it being recognized and struggles to hide what his father described as "girly behavior."

Attitudes/behaviors for scene: talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious.

Scene 1. Setting/Circumstances: They've been married for 6 months. Tonight, they're having dinner. Opening line (her): Wow -- that cocktail really went to your head.

Scene 2. Setting/Circumstances: It's two years later. They are having coffee after their first visit to a marriage councilor. Open line (him/me): I can't believe he asked us to talk about our sex life.

JZ's notes: General description makes the attitude/behavior change dramatic. Make positive choices for what I want from the other. Find where he's most vulnerable.

My pre-improv notes:

• (keep in mind what I want) and listen, breathe, respond
• what do I want from the other -- make her give me something
• if my attitudes/behavior are against my natural inclinations, try overshooting the type, error on the side of being too much
• listen to how she's feeling, not what she's saying: breathe in what she's feeling, let it hit me, and then throw it back as hard if not harder

Results -- see 09 . 22 . 2005 entry

Post-scene homework for next week -- Answer these questions: for scene 1 -- why did I marry her? What happened the first 6 months? Any fears? For scene 2 -- how do I feel now? What's changed? What frightens you?

Ok -- let's explore here, using the given circumstances, from the inside out:

Why is he drinking? Apparently I can convincingly play someone who's pretty buzzed (I've had plenty of pleasant experiences with that) -- however, can't ignore the why: he drinks to release inhibitions, to be more himself, to be real, so show her what he's really feeling. He desires being free, giving flight to his fantasies, desires, and . . . he doesn't want to hide. I think at this stage he's on the cusp of awareness of what he really wants, who he really is. That must be scary. To admit that to yourself. You just married someone, and you're ... gay?!

He notices other men, he feels hot with fear and anxiety <NOTE: sense memory: when I've been worried, very scared of something going wrong, something bad happening, I can feel this in my face, my chest, what this fear and worry must be like>. Worried, scared all this time -- it's a relief to drink at bit . . . to feel . . . ok . . . for a time, or at least not worried about myself, what's happening.

My father -- a man's man, of course. Christ, he'd KILL me if he knew I felt this way. He remembers being scared in school, other boys making fun of him, hitting him, pushing him. Early on, feeling fear that there was something wrong with him, he was so different (and inside, he felt a million million miles away from the other boys -- they spoke English, but they might as well have been an alien species from another planet, and not a very nice species at that).

<Trying to empathize with an imaginary person -- it's getting harder now. Trying to feel the thread between this and ... girls, women>

Girls were nice. They didn't seem to notice or care about how different he seemed. They were his only real friends. And he loved them as close, close friends. He wasn't lonely with them. His wife -- he loves her so much. He doesn't want to hurt her. He loves her very much and doesn't want that. He's afraid of that. Afraid she'll leave. He's afraid of what he wants. He's afraid of losing everything.

<Fascinating. Last week, before writing any of this, after the improv, JZ made special note of the instant "friendship" that had developed between P and myself. I noticed that too -- almost immediately, we were more friends than passionate lovers . . .I must intuitively sensed that this had to be their relationship, and that's how I really felt towards P during the improv>

Why did I marry her? She loved me. She was happy with what I could give her, and I thought that what I was giving her, romantically, sexually, was . . . the way it was suppose to be, and that everything would be alright . . . would be . . .

What happened the first 6 months? . . . would be alright . . . were we really happy? Something seemed to be missing. I tired hard to make it up for her, romantic dinners, movies, taking about about buying a home, children -- and growing increasingly worried that I was trying to make it up for me. I'm confused -- is it her that's unhappy . . . or is it me? I'm getting worried. What if it's not going to work . . . that hot, burning heart-pounding worry again.<feel it in my face, my chest, that sense of impeding doom>

<Enough for now. Interesting -- I'm mostly using the second person ("he") rather and "I" when talking about him. Empathy. If I force using "I," the connect with him goes away, at least partly, at least right now, because if I step back, then I see he really isn't me. I think this is a way to keep my focus on him, to start to feel like him. However, in this imaginative exercise, parts of "me" are activated My imagination seems to be intersecting with personal parts of myself . . .>

Scene 2. Open line (him/me): I can't believe he asked us to talk about our sex life.

Question: How do I feel now? <Intuitively, the first improv, I deliberately played against my first response to this line, i.e., to be angry, outraged. Instead, I deliberately kept it light, as if I was amused -- NOT threatened -- by the question, and I remember turning to P for confirmation that she wasn't really taking all this so seriously -- I was wrong. The power of opposites. >

P forces the issue -- she's not happy. Do I surrender -- or do I fight. I don't (directly) fight her. What I am fighting for? A dream . . . my perfect life, passionate wild growing romantic love with a man. It's who I am, where I belong, where I've always been. I want to come home, after so long, I want/need to come home. It's where life is. It's where I am. I feel a strong need to be brave, to fight. If I don't, I'll die, and she'll die, emotionally, spiritually.

Question:What's changed? Why am a willing to fight now? I've finally admitted how and why I love her -- she was, IS, my best friend, but I'm not in love with my best friend, and it's not fair. Everything I've tried to make myself fall in love with her has failed. What's changed is that I don't want that fight anymore, and now I see my real dream ...

Question: What frightens me? I'm afraid of losing my best friend, someone I know who would never hurt or abandon me -- and I'm going to hurt and abandon her. I'm afraid I'll have nothing, in the end. I'm afraid to take a chance.

So what do I want in scene 1? The original fight -- I need to convince her, convince me, that nothing is wrong, everything is fine (he goes from : talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious). How do I do this? Perhaps this is why he's drinking -- not to be who he truly is, but to be/do what he's not: Romance her right then and there, make her swoon, drive any doubts from her mind . . . and heart (remember, he goes from : talkative, anxious, a bit silly and goes to talkative, defensive, anxious). This suggests he isn't convincing to her. <Idea: pretend it's a guy I've convinced myself I've got to romance, a big hairy gay guy. Let my moments of doubt, of not wanting this, sneak in, any feelings of discomfort, let them grow. These are my obstacles. Fight them -- overdo the romance, overcompensate>.

What do I want in scene 2? <DON'T BE LOGICAL!!! NEVER!!!!!! BE LOGICAL!> What do I want? JZ didn't give (that I remember) beginning and end attitudes and behaviors, so it's hard to know. I don't think it should be resolution -- in fact, a good act II would be a pretty serious crisis where things get out of hand -- his worse fears realized.

OK -- let's see if all this homework helps . . .

Brooklyn, New York, September 21, 2005, 10:30PM, full hazy moon, warm, tropical, starry . . .

I saw a shooting star on the way home tonight, and I made a wish . . .

. . . listening to a song/video I love, I made a wish to be an actor (and in a tiny, tiny voice, where no one can hear, to be ... an artist), to make real the great beauty that I love, to make real the way Life really is, the way it ALL really is -- body, heart, and mind . . . where truth really is . . .

. . . maybe a silly wish . . . maybe not

The obstacle is the path
                    ~ Zen Saying

Started Jeffrey Zeiner's more advanced on-camera/technique class tonight. Terrified -- it was the first class, and everyone looked so confident and experienced and . . . they all knew each other, laughing, joking around. I busied myself reading Michael Shurteff's great book: Audition (as this class is part audition training, I plan on putting Michael's book to extensive use).

My turn came about 2 hours into the class, after several dramatic improved scenes, and then my turn -- I told myself to do really only two things: 1) don't hold back, i.e., follow all impulses as best I can, and 2) listen-breathe-respond without thinking. There where dramatic constraints on the scene: specific circumstance and open and ending behaviors and attitudes (I'll be writing about all this later on), but the "engine" of the scene was those two goals. . . and I told myself to put 90% of my attention on how the other person is feeling, 10% on what they're saying . . .

It was the best class work I had ever done, and -- greatly relieved -- I once again held my own against some fairly experienced people.

My biggest challenge, aside from the challenges of the class performance demands themselves, will be to export what I'm doing/learning into the "real world." Class is a very safe place, comparatively. The "real world" can play pretty rough. The real value of class for me will be how much better I'll be able to navigate the "real world." So -- audition, audition, audition, and try to get something before years end.

Enough for tonight.

Tomorrow @ 10am I have a wardrobe fitting for the filming of "Margaret" down near Washington Square Park. Desiree booked me, background work -- will be shooting late this Sunday and into early Monday morning and then again on Sunday Nov. 6th. Coincidentally enough, Abe, a guy I meet during a TV shoot last fall, will be down in wardrobe with me. With luck, It'll be a chance to ask him about his experience as a company member at 13th Street Repertory.

OK. I've finally decided what to do: it's a combination of a long range plan (to play out over this year) and taking advantage of current opportunities. I see 3 tiers:

1st Tier) There's basic "acting," the basics, the craft of it. This I'm really in love with, I have a definite sense of how I work, what I think it's all about, and what I'm shooting for, and that's probably why I'm finding it difficult to find a class/teacher/coach that's the right fit. However, at some point, I do believe I'll find someone/someplace where I can focus just on the basics -- I have a lot to learn (a lifetime's worth), and planetary wide, NYC is hands down one of the best places to work with people who really know that they're doing, who can really facilitate anyone who wants to learn and grow. Currently, real performance, really doing it, is the best teacher. When I'm ready to bring someone else into what is for me a very intimate, personal, private process, then I think I'll naturally find someone to work with.

However, Jason Bennett's subpersonality work seems promising, and it makes intuitive sense to me. He presents them in short workshops. I think in the fall, I want to try this, see if it is something I can work with.

2nd Tier) Scene work with a focus on audition and working quickly (i.e., film). This is practical work: film and audition for film and theatre (unless it's a monologue audition) requires one to work quickly, deeply. Last week, I audited a class at Weist-Barron, an on-camera audition class, that felt right. I felt connected to the teacher, and how he works, how he thinks and communicates, and he went right to one of my trouble spots, with very good suggestions about how to work through them. If I don't hold back, takes risks, don't worry about my failures (I want to fail more!), I think I might get somewhere in terms of finding and living the simple heart of a scene, of a relationship, of the other, of my character. Keeping it simple and clear -- that's my goal.

Also -- practical monologue work: Working with a casting director, a very enthusiastic casting director, at One On One Productions. She seems to have a great eye, knows the theatrical literature, and will suggest monologues for people in the class. Occasionally, people in classes are sometimes cast in professional projects that the casting director is c